Monday, 28 September 2015

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time. 13th October, 2013. 1:28PM.
Wollongong, Australia.

Good morning babe. I woke up really late today. No idea why but it could be due to the broken sleep. I wanted to tell you I made mashed potatoes and shepherd's pie filling last night for a dinner I only had close to midnight. There was another fire drill that drove everybody out again, I guess someone wasn't cooking properly. I heard a new song from a British-ish band that I wanted to share with you. I went to bed with headphones on hoping it will help me sleep. Well that was my night.

I miss talking to you. I miss being able to act adorable for you to go "Awww" each time. Looking back now I feel I've really hit the lowest point of my life since I met you. This morning I was hoping to hear from you that at least you wanted to talk to me. But I know whatever you decide, I'll have to respect it. I just can't stop hoping, though. Hoping that things could go back to normal.

I really do regret coming here, but don't take this the wrong way. I regret because I should have stayed home and worked on us, instead of coming here and believing things will always be okay. Maybe I'm just wrongly an optimist at a awkward time. The least I should have done is not cause you any more grievances, and yet here I am...

I'm not perfect, but I always want to be perfect for you. I am stubborn, and my attitude is as shit as it can get, yet you stood by me. As always, I had to ruin everything, each and every time. And now I feel I've lost the one person that could always make me smile, the one person I always want to see smiling.

I want to tell you so much right now. I wished you'd want to talk to me, because I want to talk to you more than anything. I want to go home so badly, to hopefully makes things better again. I don't know if my presence would make it different, but I want to at least try. I feel I've let you slip away so far now. I want you back. But I don't know if you feel the same, and whether you'd want me anymore. I'm scared to think about it. I really can't and don't want to imagine life without you. It's an end I don't want to see or live through.

I want to pray for things to get better, but I don't know if He will want to listen to me after my lost of faith. But I could try. We have something so special, and I always believe that I will never find such a bond ever again. I'll stick by that till my dying day. I wish I could mend the broken pieces back. I don't know where to start except by saying I'm sorry. I have no excuse for myself and I believe I'm the worst person I know at this moment. The numb feeling of helplessness hasn't left me since yesterday. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. When I feel an unending pulse sorrow I always go to you for comfort, and now I don't know what to do or where to go.

I want to tell myself, and tell you, that things will be okay; that it will get better. I want to hope that way, too. But I never just assume things to go back to where they were. I don't just expect it to turn calm. I do something about it, or at least try. I just don't know what that something is. I'm searching all around inside me hoping I could find something to do or say. But I know I've wronged you enough for you to want to leave. And the thought of that scares me so much I'm just losing myself.

You're a part of me that I can never let go. I just want you to know that. I wish I could stop the mistakes from happening, but I haven't, and I leave no excuse behind. As long as I upset you, I'm not as good as I intended to be for you. I'll hang on, wishing and trusting that someday I could be a better person. Someday really soon, I hope. I can only imagine a life with you, and only you.

I believe in us. I won't let go. I miss you.

Good afternoon, my sun and stars.

Today, 28th September, 2015. 4:42PM.
Shah Alam, Malaysia.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do anymore. I can only wish you the best. Perhaps we don't belong together after all. Perhaps. I don't know, I can't think of anything. This feeling of lost and loneliness cuts me off from all that I've known.
Thank you for everything. You've given me the best 4 years, 3 months, and 25 days anyone could ever ask for.


Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Another Year, Another Adventure

The year has come and gone, 2013 has ended. Through the roller-coaster ride we call 'Life' there has been much to experience, much to learn. Alas, looking back beyond lessons learnt is no more significant than the seconds that go by. Wishes and resolutions resonate within our human capacity of dreams, yet I bid you to go a step further, and look to do more than just think and hope, as we are so used to be doing every passing turn of the year.

There is much to shout about, and even much more to feel within our souls. The injustices suffered by life is largely beyond our most distinct senses. The many industries we surround ourselves in do much to sometimes shroud our judgement, and we have to imbue vigilance and sharpness within us to understand more of the uncertainties.

The bigger question, then, is this: what are we truly living for? Are we bounded by the life cycle that we are told to be our destiny? Or do we venture forth and seek a different path? What lies ahead for us if we are to just bind ourselves to the so-called status quo that we have been fed with since birth?

In essence, I ask you this: what is the purpose of Man? Is it for him to strive for greatness, and put many below him, so that he becomes mighty and great? Or is it in his veins to care for his fellow peer, to guide and give, to help and to be helped?

I include below an article I composed during my flight back from Australia about a month and a half ago. I trust that it touches you in a way I hoped it would.

A Flight from Paradise

The months leading up to this night were those of much anticipation: I was going home, and home is where the heart is. But let not that phrase hide what intentions lie underneath this very expressive being. There was a home I left all those days ago, yet there is another I departed just awhile before these words, too. After all the vigour and negative remarks putting down the land of one’s birth, and now returning to it, it all just seems hypocritical in nature. Indeed, there are some things which cannot change in a day, let alone a matter of months. For me to come to terms with a positive perception of this journey is a no-brainer: my love awaits me, and so does my family. The bigger picture, however, remains unresolved. The picture which includes the many I intend to seek out solutions for; a fight for the greater good.

In the months and years leading up to my initial journey across the seas to the Land Down Under, saying that things were going horribly wrong back home is a blatant understatement of the highest standards. Unjust policies, scandals in politics, claims of mockery of democracy virally spreading across the conceptions of many, and these are just at the tip of an iceberg so large any ship would have felt lucky to have hit any other. Peace is not comparative: those in diverse spectrums of suffering will demand for a peace of myriads of proportions. To say we should be satisfied with that which we have is begging for a nuance of stagnation. Humanity never stops. Neither should the cries for closure in the many grievances forced upon us by the powers-that-be.

Drawing upon these sentiments, I once proposed a model of academic origins which may or may not be significantly reputable. I will, therefore, endeavour to build on this theory and its explanations through the foreseeable future, without exaggerating the points beyond the academic spectrum and as distant as possible from an emotional perspective.

A society is divided into the many classes and sub-classes. Throughout history such class-division has been discovered to have existed no matter the cultural, geographical, and economical landscape. One would be able to rank such classes in an unending number of methods: from income, to power, to happiness, and even in terms of influence. The grim reality of a future where the rich only get richer and the poor plunged into deeper darkness brings me to the categorical analyses of income distribution and its imperative factors.

It is canonical to say the least that Man has always sought to maximized what is given to him. The ever-famous, overly-quoted Adam Smith placed this naturalistic conception into theory, and since then the world has followed suit in the classification of behaviour in the perspective of what is there to gain and what is there to lose, and the factors which associate themselves with these behaviours. On one hand the selfish concept of self-maximization draws much negative annotations, but not because people are not selfish: to the contrary, most if not all that one might meet in one’s lifetime will be those who have at least been self-interested sometime prior, or will be in time to come. However, the negative view of selfishness attracts due to the nature of Man himself to want to be on the path of righteousness; to care for his fellow Man, to do the utmost he can for others, and lastly (albeit misdirected from a positive stance) to be in the limelight of championing a biblical cause.

My stance on Smith’s theory is not a disaffirming one, however I do see that there are many interpretations of the many theorized human perceptions that we have encountered in academia along the road of education. If one looks at self-interest as a negative action, one assumes that the actor and adopter of the principle seeks out goals that concerns on his interest. However we look at it, the simplicity of the theory ignores a fundamental concern: what actually that interest is, really? Is it one that only plays to the rhythm of one and his or her personal satisfaction? Or is there some form of communal gain from the pursuance of a self-maximizing action? Can self-maximization be, in essence, community-maximization? To this end the intentions of the actor have to come under focus to determine where the action stands.

Coming from a more society-centric viewpoint, an argument arises where one might imagine Man to be (or at least should be) caring for all mankind, and that should be his ‘interest’. With mankind’s endowments, certain quarters would expect some form of altruism to be the ‘perfect’ behavioural stance which has the highest potential of peace. The selflessness of endeavours is purely one which embraces the good for the many, and is at least in my opinion the perfect human condition, which may or may not be attainable. This brings the issue of whether self-interest itself should never be condoned, even if it does bring some benefit to the community at large. The debate rages on between the consequentialist and non-consequentialist viewpoints, but rather than speak about something that has already been tossed around for far too long, a deeper understanding is warranted to uncover a concept that can somehow merge the theoretical bombardments that humanity has had to deal with for its eternity.

With the two extremes aside, what lies for us to decipher? The many professionals and experts will tell you what we have already known for eons: that every man and woman is indeed capable of the many documented human behaviours that is not uncommon for anyone to misunderstand. While we, as a collective, seek to prosper as a human race, the stumbling blocks remain because of our innate ability to do both right and wrong, or nothing at all. However, it should not act as an excuse for the well-endowed to halt any progress in finding ways to alter the course to damnation that humanity is unfortunate to be on as we speak.

I have digressed far enough. Back to the ‘economic’ model which I was introducing; imagine a world with a level of total collective income and wealth. As economics and finance tells us, wealth can and will grow, at which point the total income will alter at a rate regardless of whatever controls one might seek to place on a model without disrupting its endeavours for accuracy. We then add a simple rate of growth for the wealth of the rich, and measure this alongside the total growth of all incomes in this society. It is merely an assumption, for the proving of this argument, that we say that the growth rate of the wealth of higher income individuals outpace that of the entire economy’s growth rate. How do we explain the excess in-flow to this specific category? One assumption that I am willing to say was my first and current is that of the ‘rich get richer, poor get poorer’ argument. How else do the upper class of income earners gain even more riches if the time factor at which they gain that wealth is even faster than the economy’s ability to grow?


Unfortunately, the write-up remains unfinished, but I do hope I can find the will to conclude it someday.

In the end, my wishes for 2014 are no more different than my dreams for the past 365 days: that mankind may find more to life than self-gratification, and that every human being is treated equally beyond all borders known and unknown. In time, I hope to spearhead this effort, to change the landscape of humanity, and to alter its path away from that which will end its existence.

Happy new year, dear reader. I thank you for taking the time to reach this far. I bid thee farewell.

Monday, 31 December 2012

Goodbye 2012. Hello 2013

A year has come and gone. I find that rarely have I ever visited this space any more. Maybe life has just been what I have always wanted, hence I stopped dreaming of better days, as I have done on this very site. Sarah and I are as happy as can be, and life with the ones we love are as close to perfection as possible. 2012 had so much to offer, I frankly felt it was the most happiest year of my two decades in this world. There was nothing more one could ask for beyond the realms of impossibility. However, every up has its down, and the year did fluctuate from a pinnacle of joy to a depth of sorrow, one way or the other. Health has been a constant and prevalent issue that we all must endeavour to maintain. Relationships need to be tended to at any given time. Finance continues to grow as a worry for some and an obsession for others. All the factors that make men, quite frankly, men, gently eases its way into the core of our lives as we undertake more and more each passing moment. And then there is life beyond it...

As I look back on 2012, the many principles and beliefs we hold dear to our mind and hearts grow with ever more density than we could ever imagine. Each interaction and counteraction with one another changes and alters the perception and the reception for and towards the many matters that both plague and grace our daily lives. On this very day, the last of the year, many ideas spring to mind on what one should do for the year to come, and to make 2013 an even better year, perhaps. Humanity's struggle with limitless boundaries has set us on a course to nowhere: each cycle we think will end our grievances leads us to another on an even higher scale, and yet that is where we envision our dreams to be. Instead, why not we dream of the end and limits of reality? Why not we dream of equality? Why not hope for the eradication of poverty? The petty issues and first world problems we constantly get agitated by is nothing in comparison to the basic needs that are taken away from those we ourselves have pity on, yet not lift a finger to even give them any thought. If the world can worship billionaires and celebrities who have barely done anything to reach such stature, why can't we acknowledge those who have fallen trying to make a decent living for their own lowly lives? Here is a posting I made on my Facebook page just about twelve hours ago:

"A year has come and gone, 2012 now all but past. Humanity survives another pseudo-apocalyptic event. Yet we are no farther away from the end than we should have been if humanity continues to neglect the very basis of a life for the future.

We need equality, we don't need extravagance.
We need efficiency, we don't need luxuries.
We need respect, we don't need submission.
We need understanding, we don't need tolerance.
We need health, we don't need wealth.
We need awareness, we don't need advertising.
We need freedom of choice, we don't need choices of lavishness.

Most of all, we need our NEEDS, and not our WANTS. If humanity wishes to live on beyond the limits of the era, do away with the wastefulness of sumptuosity and embrace the belief of equality, so that even the lowest abyss of society can enjoy the basic necessities it desperately needs, and the upper echelons may return to the living of life without the unnecessary expensiveness of pampering and indulgences.

May the year 2013 bring much development and advancement for the human race. Amen."

That, I believe, sums up all I could say at this moment of time. I do hope with enough research, I can possibly delve deeper into these thoughts of mine and conjure up enough factual representation of these ideals and principles. In time, anything is possible.

To sign off, I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year, and happy holidays. Take care always and godspeed.

Warmest regards,
Aaron Timothy Minjoot

3:13PM 31st December 2012

Songs Of Life