'Tis The Season. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone.

From my Facebook page:

"Ironically, I can't remember much of last Christmas. I hope I can remember this year's, and wait for next year's to come, remembering to look back on today and hopefully feeling that the one year that passed made life much better for me. Merry Christmas everyone."

Very much well said. To me Christmas is a more important day than New Year's, in a way. I wonder where will I be, or what I am, come next Christmas. I hope much better off than where I stand now.

I hope Christmas next year can be celebrated with someone special by my side, someone whom I can share much smiles with. Words cant fully describe how much my longing has grown. And thus words dont deserve a mention.

Trials will come my way, yet life is so. And I will challenge life all the way come next year. No longer a patient of the intolerance. I will persevere till I can feel the Christmas magic once again.

Merry Christmas once again, may you be blessed with love and happiness, your wishes and dreams come true and your life full of smiles and joy with your beloved loved ones.

If Only

If only we could turn back time and undo a wrong.

Or better yet, forget it ever happened.

My life's wish is to forget what I can't now do.

A wish, I realise, that will never come.

I'll push on, there is nowhere else to go. Trapped in my self-made crypt, bounded by chains the mind provoked. The mind has done so much wrong. Is there a way back?

If only you were here. You could save me. Only you. Yet, you aren't. You are nought.

From Where We Left Off

The last few days have been filled with inner turmoil so distinct from the past that I fear its many positives will turn for the worst, and thus with it ending all promises for a happy ending we all seek. Yet, the convincing aura remains. The shroud with which my sorrows once came from now becomes my source of thoughts of perseverance, effort, and the intent of not giving up. Not giving in. Not losing hope.

In time, the path shall become clearer. As for the time being, my heart and mind have clicked in accordance with the similar aim. The goal is far-fetched, yet the will is not deterred. I have faced the trance of defeat and failure time and again till they have slowly ebbed themselves away to make room for a confidence to seek without fear of lost.

The strength is yet to be tested. But as long as the will remains, and the conviction is undeterred, the effort shall be carried out till a result is imminent, be it a good or a bad one. Only time will tell.

At The Crossroads To Dead Ends

The path has not yet ended, yet in time it most definitely will. But the wanderer's spirit isn't broken, not yet. Quite the contrary, he is seeking a map and a guide, to take the journey regardless the perils. He seeks only the joy at the end of the road, the light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet, what if it still plunges into darkness? What if, there is no such merriment awaiting him?

For once, he does not seem to care. For once, he still trots on.

The months that follow will be filled with figurative landmines spawning itself as more thoughts are deciphered. I know not the many details which others have, but does it really matter? Maybe it does, maybe not. But I am prepared to lay it all on the line. There is no other notion, fading away isn't one anymore. The cowardice nature that once was is now a bane of memory.

I have nought to lose, though what gain is there remains to be seen. For now, I will revert back to the carefree self I was for the past months, where at least I escaped torrential moments with a smile. But, I feel strongly, it is time to not let thoughts overpower the day. Everything thus far is a matter of thought, ideas, hopes, dreams, projections of the future. None concrete but the decision itself, which still remains to be seen the likelihood of it occurring.

We shall see. At the crossroads to dead ends, I wait.

Words Louder Than Action

Maybe thinking back of the past isn't the way to move forward. Maybe retelling the tale that was once such a bane isn't the right path to take to start anew. Maybe. Just maybe. I might be making more mistakes.

Yet it soothes. Nothing but the truth can instil such calmness.

I need to hide this emotional side of me, if I were to embrace the joys of life. It needs to be covered under layers upon layers of everyday events.

Chaining my thoughts is what I should do. Shackle them in bolts and sealed with will.

I need an outlet.months back it existed. Now, where should I move towards? The insane yet desired aim? Or to retreat as I have always done. Run, or stay. Escape, or fight.

Choices.

Don't Turn Away

Dreaming. Hoping. Wishing. Praying.

That seems to be the only thing one can do when in dire need of something vividly unobtainable so far. He dreams. He hopes. He wishes. He prays. Yet he knows, for all the sake he has kept his sanity in, that all these are just the mirages of human thought to hide the reality that is so clear if not blinded. Impossible.

Tired hands still work the day away, while at night an aching heart still lingers with emotion, and in sleep a mind is haunted by impending thoughts.

The torture comes and goes. Nothing heals forever, no pain gone for good. It is with effort we seek a cure for all ailments, yet we fail to see the cure itself being a bane. A sign of reliance to sources of comfort, admitting defeat in its face and adopting ideals which make us feel better not for the long run.

In these times one would have to make the decision. The act. To stay and burn in the wildfire that plagues the soul, or to walk away forever in the light of the fear that comes.

I regret the path I took.

But not without first realising, that it was all within reason.

My reasons. The ones which became my downfall, just well within the lines of logic.

And logic became my sworn enemy, as was the people whom once I stood by.

All is fair in love and war.

I just never felt the former. For now, I hope.

Thinking Never Solved Anything

The title is self explanatory though goes against most common advise given out. "Think before you act" has always been a staple in life, my life nonetheless. Yet, the last few days have been just full of thoughts, to the extent any action fails to satisfy its need. I have failed to differentiate between coarse of action which can happen and the prominence, or should I say, distinct probability, of dreams becoming reality.

In short, I still think of her. I don't know why. I know I have been down this road before, and it wasn't pleasant. Never will such a memory bare any smile except for the fact I lived through it and survived. Why do I repeat this again, then? What has gotten into me? Just a few days and it seemed like months of hardship pulling through thick and thin in daily life has gone down the drain. All progress made in recuperating from lost hope now waning into the same ditch where floundered goals and dreams lie. How did I stoop this low once again?

I must confess I feel saddened yet encouraged by my sudden and rapid evolution of emotions. Disappointed that I failed to keep myself from falling once more, yet propelled in the sense that of being someone optimistic that this time round I have a more viable chance. Many would say it is as if having false hope in a lost cause. But what would I do if I ever will take such a path?

I am treading dangerous grounds as I pen these words, but I reckon it is for my memory's sake I do so.

Day by day I will try to impress her in everything I can. To the extent of attracting ridicule and any of the sort, for I would do anything for her to notice me.

I will celebrate New Year's with her, in our group of friends, not in some mall or square where the large crowds gather, but in the calmest of gardens and parks where the heavens can be seen from horizon to horizon, just sitting under an open cloudless moonlit sky.

I would orchestrate her a birthday she will never forget, one that shall make her smile from dawn till dusk, with all friends around, brightening her day like none other before. And never letting her know it was me.

I would ask her to the prom. Because I always wanted to and never had the chance nor the guts. Because she deserved to be asked to one. Because she belonged to be at one.

And when all is said and done, I will breathe deeply for a moment or two, remembering I did all I can to make her happy, to make her smile. As despairing as I may sound, her happiness is all I desire. The hope I have is that it is me who could bring it to her, yet such chances are far-fetched.

These are the things which I would do for her. Yet, I, and we all, well know such are the actions which I will never have the opportunity of doing. Even for the most minor of hopes, there will always be the barrier that is logic holding my ruthless and illogical heart from acting.

It shall remain nothing but a dream. Yet, I would do just about anything, to see her smile to never fade. Anything.

Thus, I end after an episode of much fuelled emotional tension within my own being. Though one day I shall look back at these words and may look upon myself in surprise, I engrave this here as a memory of a dream I had of someone whom I thought was special not because of any petty factor, but just for who she is.

And yet, she will never know.

Take flight, chap, and ascend like you once did on the dawn of August. May these words bear the brunt of the realization of imminence in thoughts which end, like they are supposed to.

It Feels Like July All Over Again.

Its been a long time. Never would I have thought that I will grace these pages again as I used to do ever so frequently. I guess writing has always been a passion I can not erase, though who would want to do such a absurd action anyhow? The past months have been an eye opener, yet I have come to a point that resembles much of a certain few days back a few months ago, when turmoil spurred my mind into disintegration.

Since the last year, one month out of the twelve has always had the tag where my life altered so significantly. For 2009, it was February. For 2010, it is July. I am not prepared to let another July happen this year.

And yet here I am, thinking of thoughts which mirror those of that month, where I fell ever disgracefully from the pinnacle at which I was having the best time of life I could have asked for, at the time. Granted, human mistakes tend to happen, though I have never accepted the fact that mistakes are never preventable. Thus began the journey to get life back on its track.

August, September, October, and November. Swift months, passing by like gales in the morning sun. In that time the somewhat usual happens: a great start, the common coming of age, and the end which begins with realization. It is a cycle, where you discover if you really belong somewhere, be it among people or the environment. My eyes have open much broader, to the extent that I deduce who should I be with and who not.

On a lighter side of things, my involvement in college has seen mixed results. On one hand I fit in quite well among my peers at INTIMA, on the other I have strayed far from others which I used to be closed to.

Another occurrence, in November, of which the date has slipped past my memory. Me being admitted to hospital, for a case of kidney stones. Two days and a night spent there, with a procedure being done. Then came December 1st, my second visit, to remove a medical device placed inside of me and to carry out surgery on my groin region. Another two days and one night. A full load of medication, and a follow-up scheduled in a week's time. Recovery is expected to take a month. And there goes another long holiday period.

Medically, and mentally, I am indeed unfit. To be hit by these sores and physical pains has caused my mind to wander into those thoughts which I thought I had buried, yet in just a few days I have unearthed them all over again. Should I bury them once more? Or embrace their worth and risk the many consequences as July faced? An answer only time will tell.

As for now, I shall sign off, with me being not in the right state of mind and body to delve any further into anything of this sort.

Welcome back, Sunsets. Don't you fail me now.

2 Months

2 months and life has taken its many turns.

Yet I feel as if I'm all the way back, at square one.

Only time will tell, the next route which I shall take for my life's journey.

Hello, Sunsets. I have returned.