Sunday, 17 April 2011 at 22:15
In the tranquility of the night, under such bright moonlight, can I pen words meant for none, though indeed stories about some.
I know not of what else to say, as this cruel world has dumbfounded me time and time again. Once there had been a missing link, the lack of any effort. Now, it seems as if all endeavours mean nought. The frustration it brings is far worst than the insects that plague my skin right now, in the stillness of the outdoor night. Yet it seems, that once again the heart has to harden itself, to the point where it was deemed untouchable, unbreakable, and to some extent...unthinkable.
As solemnly I admit, advice from anyone can come and go, but it is my stubbornness towards all else that brings me to listen to none. Yet it may be wise to realize, I am who I am today because of it, no matter the flaws or goodness it brings. I am who I am.
To change beliefs, to alter perceptions, to fully accept such detrimental flaws...takes no amount of courage worthy to be measured, for it is not bravery that takes one to this point. It is the heart ruling over all else in one's human being.
And yet, it seems that I am a fool to have such an outlook, to have such a stand in my days. All the negative impressions of my actions are there to see, and surely have I thought the same before. But imagine the naitivity and confidence, to not think in a manner worth condemning? I have that in my mind. To never see things as they fail to turn out to, especially when it comes to someone or something special.
To feel hurt is to have seen something fail. No matter what it might have been, the pain shan't and can't be disguised by any face or action. There is no such thing as a recovery from a wound, because when it heals it leaves a scar to remind one of what it was. The fall was to keep on the journey, that had so many signs of no way through, and yet I went on. Frustration and disappointment, coupled with the ever increasing toll of new tales of the past, which through thick and thin I push this fragile heart to tolerate, brought me all to the brink of destruction. The irony is that, no matter how detrimental the stories deal a blow to my being, I trot on by, ever willing to take the bullet to my head. Ever willing to go the extra mile. No matter where the road takes me to. I still am on this track, harbouring the faintest of hopes. I never lose hope, nor faith, but I do lose time, and when time is lost the spirit dwindles away. The soul dies.
As I pen these words, I know not of the implications it carries. Nor do I know the reason to why I am here, why am I what I am right now, or why did I do the things I did. I only know, it all came from the heart. Call me a fool, call me a crackload of bull, but this is me.
I shedded tears today, in the stillness of the morning, when I sang a hymm that reminded me of a childhood now lost. Without all the dramas and afflictions. Without all the pain, sorrow, hurt. Without who I am today.
And you. You whom I trust to see these words here. It is not my intention to spill out emotions. Rather, it is a way for me to let them go. For I understand I have crossed the threshold on so many levels, and I wish not to do the same again. These words here are a reminder to me, to never fall again. For you, a friend or even more than that, I bestow a heartfelt tale of this boy who could never find his way.
From this day forth this heart shall stone itself. Caving in into the darkness it once resided. Safe, from hurt, but deprived, of any love. I can live with that. I always have. But will I?
PS: Do keep this P&C. Thank you.
I know not of what else to say, as this cruel world has dumbfounded me time and time again. Once there had been a missing link, the lack of any effort. Now, it seems as if all endeavours mean nought. The frustration it brings is far worst than the insects that plague my skin right now, in the stillness of the outdoor night. Yet it seems, that once again the heart has to harden itself, to the point where it was deemed untouchable, unbreakable, and to some extent...unthinkable.
As solemnly I admit, advice from anyone can come and go, but it is my stubbornness towards all else that brings me to listen to none. Yet it may be wise to realize, I am who I am today because of it, no matter the flaws or goodness it brings. I am who I am.
To change beliefs, to alter perceptions, to fully accept such detrimental flaws...takes no amount of courage worthy to be measured, for it is not bravery that takes one to this point. It is the heart ruling over all else in one's human being.
And yet, it seems that I am a fool to have such an outlook, to have such a stand in my days. All the negative impressions of my actions are there to see, and surely have I thought the same before. But imagine the naitivity and confidence, to not think in a manner worth condemning? I have that in my mind. To never see things as they fail to turn out to, especially when it comes to someone or something special.
To feel hurt is to have seen something fail. No matter what it might have been, the pain shan't and can't be disguised by any face or action. There is no such thing as a recovery from a wound, because when it heals it leaves a scar to remind one of what it was. The fall was to keep on the journey, that had so many signs of no way through, and yet I went on. Frustration and disappointment, coupled with the ever increasing toll of new tales of the past, which through thick and thin I push this fragile heart to tolerate, brought me all to the brink of destruction. The irony is that, no matter how detrimental the stories deal a blow to my being, I trot on by, ever willing to take the bullet to my head. Ever willing to go the extra mile. No matter where the road takes me to. I still am on this track, harbouring the faintest of hopes. I never lose hope, nor faith, but I do lose time, and when time is lost the spirit dwindles away. The soul dies.
As I pen these words, I know not of the implications it carries. Nor do I know the reason to why I am here, why am I what I am right now, or why did I do the things I did. I only know, it all came from the heart. Call me a fool, call me a crackload of bull, but this is me.
I shedded tears today, in the stillness of the morning, when I sang a hymm that reminded me of a childhood now lost. Without all the dramas and afflictions. Without all the pain, sorrow, hurt. Without who I am today.
And you. You whom I trust to see these words here. It is not my intention to spill out emotions. Rather, it is a way for me to let them go. For I understand I have crossed the threshold on so many levels, and I wish not to do the same again. These words here are a reminder to me, to never fall again. For you, a friend or even more than that, I bestow a heartfelt tale of this boy who could never find his way.
From this day forth this heart shall stone itself. Caving in into the darkness it once resided. Safe, from hurt, but deprived, of any love. I can live with that. I always have. But will I?
PS: Do keep this P&C. Thank you.
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