I can't stop thinking of the times when I fail. Because I never liked failing. In fact, I despise myself for failures. It's either I give up and leave something that I can't seem to do well in, which I usually do...or I come back stronger. And leaving isn't an option, was never an option, for this.
Where does that leave me? I am living the life that was once just a dream, one that I thought slipped by me years ago. Yet here I am. The life only dreams dared to imagine. But instead, I am lost. Tortured by the mind that I now deem bittersweet. At times able to conjure such art I myself can be so emotionally proud of, and other times a damning revelation of fragility that was overlooked over the years. A curse of two worlds, of wants and needs and solemnness we all seek.
It hurts whenever I think how much pain I can cause. To you. I tear because I know you do, or I know you could, or I know you did. Never have I faced such a heavy heart of my own. Guilt that naturally comes, because I want perfection for what this journey holds. The fact remains that I have a failing that I wish I didn't. I am sorry. No matter how many times I say it, I mean it with all my soul, each and every time.
Whenever you're there, you complete me. A peacefulness no other can bring to me. It is as if your presence enchants me, no matter my fears and failings. You're just amazing, simply amazing till I can be lost for words. At times we can be speaking of hardships and yet you see the light and pull me away from the darkness. How do you do it? How lucky and thankful, I am to be chanced upon such an angel. And these are no mere words without meaning. You keep me going on, even in trials I would normally have fallen by. Each time I fall, you're there. And the guilt resurfaces when I feel like I am not doing enough to repay such a debt to you. As such the circle continues on.
I don't want to fall again. My heart just sinks whenever I know I have. I pray each day for peace to come to mind, so that we can live a love that knows no bounds. This journey has only just started, and I dare not think what will happen if it ends. God-willing, it never will. But the need for me to get over this predicament is ever prevailing. I feel I have come far from where I was, but not far enough, and I want to go further on. Because I will never let this go. I will never give up.
Because I love you. And there is no one else in the world I would want to live life with. No matter what, nothing will change what I feel. I can only be my true self with you, and you alone. I hope you feel the same, and I'm thankful that I can know you do. You're the one, I am so sure of it. And nothing, will change that. Even if it will take every ounce of effort and strength I will have to muster.
I promise I will get through this, or I will end life trying. The promise, the one and only. I know we will talk further one day, and delve deeper into the abyss that sprouts such tales, yet I put faith above all that we will get through this. There is nothing more in the world that I want to do now. I want to be able to live life with you, and see your smile and hear your laugh, the gentle things that brightens up my day, any day.
We will have a life to cherish. Together. That I am sure of. I will get through this.
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