Sunsets To Midnight

When The Night Chills You

2012-01-24T09:52:00.001+08:00

Before everything else, a happy Chinese New Year one and all. May the year of the Dragon bless life with prosperity all through the year.

Now, onto what this is meant for. Ever had a moment or more in time, where everything just seems like its not meant to be, and a heart that races fearing the worst? The feeling of anxiety so great they bring tears to your eyes, an ignored call for some rest beaming from your chest. Diving deeper into these thoughts, an emotion of longing lurks. Missing someone has never been this...tormented. A longing so strong, it startles the ego and other characters that such a feeling is even possible. Not even denial can hide such a deep reflection of thought and want to be together.

I guess when emotions overflow, they tend to need somewhere to go. Locked up inside and not knowing where the exit lie, pounding hard on the walls of the mind and heart, just harboring hopes of a freedom from chains. When it seeks and finds the light of the outside, the sheer force it exerts crumbles its beholder, to the point he simply needs someone, that someone he eternally begs to see and feel. Dreams the past night constantly ravaged the calmness I longed for, though thankfully not a sheer torture of the mind. My unconsciousness dreamt of you, and that to me is what it means to be.

Darling, I miss you. Never in the days gone by did I think I would miss you this much, since I know we always have tomorrow. But knowing that in the caverns of my being that moments can go by so swiftly, moments we will never get back, the longing gets too hard to hold in. I just wish to be with you right now, as I did the night gone by, as the days before, and as I always will.

Wishing and hoping to see you soon. My love...

7 Months of Love

2012-01-03T23:41:00.001+08:00

7 months down the road, still a wonder of a journey every day, celebrating each one all life long. There's no one else I'd spend moments smiling with, and conquering all troubles beside. Sorry for the wrongs, and thank you for the cheery-eyed days. Happy 7 months of love. <3

Happy New Year 2012.

2012-01-02T23:53:00.004+08:00

365 days past us by, 2011 all an end. Looking back as moments fly, and the winds of December descend.
January of a new year await, 2012 with its own fate.

The year that turned the brightest sunrise my life has ever seen towards me. The year when all greats things came, and the worst of most worries put to rest. Thank you, 2011.

2012, be kind to us all. Bring in more sunrises, and though sunsets may sprout, let us take heart that the world is as it is. Nothing is ever at its lowest forever, nor at its highest.

Lastly...

Memories flash, and emotions flare. In all of 2011, one thing stood out far from the world and more...

Thank you for making my year the best my life has ever had. I <3 you. :)

Merry Christmas Darling...

2011-12-29T02:45:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas, to one and all, and especially to the love of my life. Thank you for sharing such a wondrous Christmas with me. Among family, friends, and everyone else, you made this day and season the most wonderful ever in my life.

May we have many more to share together. <3

At Grandma's.

Your dining room.

Merry Christmas 2011.

A Journey Just Beginning, Reaching A Limelight

2011-12-07T23:51:00.001+08:00

3rd December 2011. 6 months of happiness, 6 months of smiles. So much more to say, so little time. My life turned upside down, all in a space of days. Knowing you has been the greatest unending journey my life could ever experience. Though times I fall, and fall so hard it hurts the two of us, neither sky nor sea can ever part me away from you. A heart that has finally found its reason to beat, and beat it will at long last. Forever and always.

Happy 6 months of love darling. I love you.

Weird...

2011-11-26T09:34:00.000+08:00

It just seems like I never blog anymore. Life has had its turns till I can't describe the newly found calmness, to which life has now revolved around to the extent I never do come back here often. I remember the times when coming to these pages were a daily chore, an everyday to-do for the sake of keeping me sane in the breaths I take.

Now...

Now there is no need.

Love really eclipses all troubles.

And for that, I'm grateful I no longer roam these pages as often as before.

5 And The Journey Goes On

2011-11-04T01:10:00.001+08:00

5 months of love. 5 months of a journey with an end unmatched. Timeless and everlasting. I love you, darling.

4, And Many More

2011-10-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

Days flew by like aloft on gentle breeze. And here we are. 4 months on, and stronger than ever. I love you, hun.

19

2011-10-02T23:54:00.003+08:00

What a day... Never would I have expected such surprises, a reason to smile through the hours from dawn till dusk. A birthday unlike any other...

All thanks, with all my heart, to the love of my life, Sarah E. Boudville, for each and every turn of unexpected events, all day long. Thank you, my love, for the greatest birthday ever of my 19-year-old life. A heart like yours comes once in a lifetime, and with you I share mine. I love you.

The Times Of Trial

2011-09-02T01:26:00.003+08:00

Days like these, we had in the past, are having in the present, and will have in the future. These are the days we innocently dreaded, to be days we would never want, yet we knew they would come.

As the moments pass us by, a cloud of uncertainty shrouds us as we look eye to eye, not knowing of words to say. The time of thoughts and words which mean only to cause us harm, confusion, and tiresome misunderstandings. Our times of trial.

I know not of words to say, to define what we go through together from both our points of view. Yet, I know one thing. I am sorry, my love. I apologize, for all the wrong words said, the wrong actions done, and the wrong thoughts I think. My promise of never to hurt nor trouble you, a promise seemingly broken time and time again. For the many things we quarrel about, it is I who run out of the very patience I know you cherish about me. Every odd moment of struggle within our bonds caused by trouble from my perch, things which need not be brought into thought I constantly revisit or express regardless of whether they can be solved or not. Yet my stubborn self keeps fooling around till it boils over and it hurts us both, ever so deeply.

I am so sorry, my love, for the days and nights which I do you wrong. For my failure to make your dark days brighter. For my lack of sense of humor. For my insensitivity to words. For my wrongdoings. For all I do or not do that can undone all that we have endeavored for together.

As time approaches another milestone, I dearly hope we can and will always go on. No matter what happens, I won't let this go. I love you, my dearest. Forever and always.

Two, And Many More To Come.

2011-08-06T14:07:00.001+08:00

Another stepping stone, to so much more greater points in time. A longing now satisfied, a future now to behold. As I set eyes upon dawn each day, a soothing smile across my face paves the way for a marveling sight to everything in life. As dusk approaches, a wiry grin closes into night, knowing the following morning yet another with the same reason to live unfolds.

Two months since the very day, on a night so simple yet with a heart full of love. A few words spoken, and a journey began.

A journey that won't ever end. I love you.

Reminders Of The Smile

2011-07-09T17:41:00.000+08:00

Years, months, days, time. Going by as swiftly as the breeze. Passing glances across the pathways it took for one to reach this far. And further on, it hopes to travel.

The only regret is to not notice sooner. Yet, the lost years is a sign you taught me, to cherish the years that will come. Not for a moment have I thought of such until you brought it to my mind. The mind in which resides thoughts that tears reality asunder if not calmed...

Yet, calm as the sea it is, whenever you are around. Such a peace it has had, knowing not what magical touch it felt. Words escape the simple comprehension. I? I call it, love.

Many the times I once believed, that if life were to ever treat me coldly, and set me on a lonesome path, it was you that escaped me. For all eternity I would have teared. For all time I would have sobbed. Yet, now, I know, I won't.

Your enchanting eyes remind me each day why I dearly hope to wake up one morning to them.
Your laughter a melody to hear that kindles not only the heart, but my own cowardly smile as well.
And your smile. Tearing words from my mind, and stopping the beats of my heart. Speechless, breathless, simply mesmerized

As I pen these words right in front of your glance, I hope you know I know not the words to put together, for words no longer bear enough meaning when it comes to you. You are beyond what words I have, but I will continue finding words till the end of my days, because I know I can, because I know you are what they mean and so much more.

Three words I know to say, to mean, and to always dream...

I love you.

A Month On

2011-07-03T00:51:00.000+08:00

One month ago, a leap of faith. One month on, a gift of life together.

A New Horizon

2011-07-01T01:52:00.002+08:00

Half a year has gone by in a flash, and so much has gone on and about. Life has had its surprises, the ever usual ups and downs like that of a rollercoaster ride we want to get off from. Yet, life is as what it is, and we settle for whatever it throws at us or grants us.

The last six months have gone rather oddly, fluctuating between smiles and frowns, happiness and sadness, all through the months, weeks and days. Tears of joy and sorrow, laughter of humor and sarcasm, and the like. With everything and anything, or nothing altogether, I revisit memories of the past and wonder what if things had gone differently. One action leads to another, one cause leads to an effect. The cycle goes on, and truly the same will be said for the next half of the year which we are about to venture into.

Words escape me these days, but as I look back on 6 eventful months, I can gladly say I wouldn't have had it any other way. Life has never been better, never been more cheery. The natural smile on my everyday face says it all, and my leaps in many parts of life speaks for itself. There had been much drama and tension, yet as they either fade away or take a back seat in life, the vibrant feeling emits itself from within me. How much one can change after a few occurrences or two.

The one ingredient that has made so much more sweeter is the presence of love. There isn't anyone else I would rather be with in life than her, the time spent together moments to cherish. Life has never had such an outlook before, if not for her. Family and friends come and go according to the test of time, realistically, yet the love one shares with another is a promise made at heart, nowhere else.

As the following 6 months are about to unfold, I wish for the best to come, day and night. May the months ahead propel us all to the stars...and beyond.

Unspoken Thoughts

2011-06-23T15:54:00.000+08:00

Undoubtedly the worst time to be experimenting with all sorts of actions, that I am sure of. I'm not sure if I could go on in normal circumstances, but not in situations now. The depth of which thoughts and emotions can flow hand in hand, like they always have, and the sudden flashback of times gone by, both tarnishes any known stability and sanity one like yours truly can muster. I'd rather not think and feel than dare to imagine what I might if I do.

Time prevents me from saying any further. Hopefully it rests for now, this inner turmoil can subside...in time, in hope.

Good Morning Sunshine

2011-06-23T09:35:00.001+08:00

" Good morning, sunshine. Love you, miss you. :* "

6.20am, I start my day.

Opening my eyes and missing you, knowing it will be 24 hours till the moment I hear from you again, that was the most perfect epitome of a sigh for my morning. Knowing I won't be sending you the ever-so-usual morning message felt so awkward as I reached for my phone the moment I awoke, only to realize it after. To make matters even more damning, the last I heard from you was a matter of debate and a rushed conversation; when the call ended I clutched my phone till I fell asleep so reluctantly. Well, I say this now: I don't ever want to accept such a challenge again. It ain't worth it, not one bit. Let's just say, it isn't quite the best of times to be away from the one you love, ever so dearly.

8.32am, I start this post.

The day is still young, there's many more hours to go. I hope to survive it. You know I miss you, and I will till time comes for me to see you or hear from you. I guess I can be tough anywhere else except at heart, where it is all just the same soft-spoken boy that you met years ago, and still know till now.

Love you, hun.

9.35am, I end this page.

A Month On

2011-06-11T01:19:00.000+08:00

It has been a month, since that very day, that it all began. The day we spoke words we knew we should have so long ago. Yet, things happen for a reason. The reason we're here is testament to that.

It all started with a game, and peaked at gloom and doubt, but ended in magical words. Words that thrust us to where we are now. And I am grateful for them all.

Sure, there have been obstacles, there still are, and there will forever be. But that's what it's all about, isn't it? Or else, it wouldn't be much of anything, let alone anything special. The ability to always try, and to keep going on, that's what makes what we have going for us now something so different. Obscure as it can be at some point of time, the journey we're on has a destination we can rightfully see. And one that we truly want for each other.

I won't be here if I wasn't sure on it all. The moment it began was so true, the heart was touched forever. As I, we, look back on years gone by, we know there was something to grasp, something to reach for. We finally have, and I for one know I will never let go. Nor will I do you wrong.

One can seek for only so much in life. Sometimes what we seek, isn't quite what we need nor what we truly want. Yet, when it all falls into place, somehow we will know what our heart desires. My heart desires you, and you alone. My mind can always drift thoughts that can sprout doubt, enrage emotions and so forth, but it can never mess with a true heart's call, the longing for someone. Someone, like you.

How much we've gone through in just a matter of weeks. I now look forward to many more, time is only just beginning. I wouldn't have dreamed of a better story we could write for our lives, as such we will now conjure sequel after sequel of a life entwined for eternity, I earnestly hope.

To you, my love. With all my heart, and all my soul. I love you.

I'll Try...Like I Never Tried Before

2011-06-06T00:46:00.002+08:00

I can't stop thinking of the times when I fail. Because I never liked failing. In fact, I despise myself for failures. It's either I give up and leave something that I can't seem to do well in, which I usually do...or I come back stronger. And leaving isn't an option, was never an option, for this.

Where does that leave me? I am living the life that was once just a dream, one that I thought slipped by me years ago. Yet here I am. The life only dreams dared to imagine. But instead, I am lost. Tortured by the mind that I now deem bittersweet. At times able to conjure such art I myself can be so emotionally proud of, and other times a damning revelation of fragility that was overlooked over the years. A curse of two worlds, of wants and needs and solemnness we all seek.

It hurts whenever I think how much pain I can cause. To you. I tear because I know you do, or I know you could, or I know you did. Never have I faced such a heavy heart of my own. Guilt that naturally comes, because I want perfection for what this journey holds. The fact remains that I have a failing that I wish I didn't. I am sorry. No matter how many times I say it, I mean it with all my soul, each and every time.

Whenever you're there, you complete me. A peacefulness no other can bring to me. It is as if your presence enchants me, no matter my fears and failings. You're just amazing, simply amazing till I can be lost for words. At times we can be speaking of hardships and yet you see the light and pull me away from the darkness. How do you do it? How lucky and thankful, I am to be chanced upon such an angel. And these are no mere words without meaning. You keep me going on, even in trials I would normally have fallen by. Each time I fall, you're there. And the guilt resurfaces when I feel like I am not doing enough to repay such a debt to you. As such the circle continues on.

I don't want to fall again. My heart just sinks whenever I know I have. I pray each day for peace to come to mind, so that we can live a love that knows no bounds. This journey has only just started, and I dare not think what will happen if it ends. God-willing, it never will. But the need for me to get over this predicament is ever prevailing. I feel I have come far from where I was, but not far enough, and I want to go further on. Because I will never let this go. I will never give up.

Because I love you. And there is no one else in the world I would want to live life with. No matter what, nothing will change what I feel. I can only be my true self with you, and you alone. I hope you feel the same, and I'm thankful that I can know you do. You're the one, I am so sure of it. And nothing, will change that. Even if it will take every ounce of effort and strength I will have to muster.

I promise I will get through this, or I will end life trying. The promise, the one and only. I know we will talk further one day, and delve deeper into the abyss that sprouts such tales, yet I put faith above all that we will get through this. There is nothing more in the world that I want to do now. I want to be able to live life with you, and see your smile and hear your laugh, the gentle things that brightens up my day, any day.

We will have a life to cherish. Together. That I am sure of. I will get through this.

The Journey Begins

2011-06-04T08:59:00.000+08:00

My love, we begin a journey we don't want to ever end.

The moments we share, ever blessed and heaven sent.

Through trials we will go on,

As long as your smile shines at every morn'.

From dusk till dawn,

I wont leave your side,

No matter the distance

Nor the roaring tide.

I love you,ever so true.

I hope the moment was something we would remember, together. There would have been many other times, other chances, other ways, especially ones which I know would have meant so much more to you as it would have taken huge leaps from me... Many ideas came to mind, many choices and sometimes the fright of it all. Yet all I ever dreamed of was something gentle, something quiet and calm, with just you and me. The world need not know, as long as we both know what our hearts say. And I'll forever keep to that in the life we're about to share.

A moment apart is like an hour without a heart.

The Day, The Night

2011-06-03T10:24:00.002+08:00

Love you with all my heart,
Miss you with all my soul,

Hoping we never part,
Waiting to hold you close.

The days and weeks have gone on by, like a gentle breeze, and each time I see you the feeling gets ever more enchanting. Though I may not be the best the world has laid, nor the best I can be, till the ends of the earth I will try. Never letting this go, never leaving.

Today. I await today. Await the night. Dawn till dusk. You'll see.

And We Journey On...

2011-05-29T01:13:00.003+08:00

Like a star of day,

You blind the eye,

Come what may,

I smile and sigh.

I don't want to fall in love elsewhere, nor with someone else, nor at another time.

The trials we face, the days we live, and nights we share, the feeling so sublime.

A future we long for, a past to forget, while the present close to heart,

A wish upon a shooting star, to never ever part.

A Week

2011-05-18T00:33:00.001+08:00

A week ago on this very day,

Born were words we both mean to say,

And so we did at ever long last,

No matter the years that have past.

Sunrise

2011-05-17T02:56:00.001+08:00

Awaiting thee, a journey afar,

As distant as any morning star,

On the horizon thy glimmer shine,

A lightness sight ever so fine,

Though thy touch a distant place,

And a smile cast upon thy face,

Enchanting me ever so deep,

Eyes gleaming in a twilight creek.

Crimson the marks of love,

Portrayed by many, as of a dove,

So charming the sight I see,

Of a beauty none would flee.

The path a broken road and heart,

Of a past hoping to never part,

Yet each time a hope arise,

It ends in tears, frowns or sighs.

Though fate had another plan,

To cross two lives over again,

Not once nor twice but thrice so true,

Of a chance neither would want to lose.

So here they stand, silently,

In the arms of each other so gently,

Knowing not the future, foregone the past,

With faith that this, will forever last.

Where Have You Been All My Life?

2011-05-14T10:12:00.001+08:00

The title were words whispered not two days ago. Somehow the years that went by never dimmed any thought or feeling. But time spent out there in the wilderness was a blessing in disguise. A matter of when, not if, things will fall into place. It finally is.

This space is sacred to me, where sorrows are etched throughout time, with hope to release such burdens. But not today, not now. From the brink of falling apart not too long ago, here I am penning words I thought I would never get the chance to. Here I am, for once taking so much time to recover from feeling the lost of words. Here I am, finally, uplifted, and ending years of doubts and uncertainty. Here I am for you.

The years have been harsh, to me at least. Long have I searched for a sunrise, while each day pouring out words of sunsets. Each time a new hope arises, I see a glimpse of you first, knowing already nothing will come from any of these ventures. Yet I trot on, hoping. And failing. And the cycle goes on. Never have I forgotten you, nor will I ever will. It is an impossibility. One which I am now so thankful for.

I sometimes wonder if the past was all a mistake, that we could have come this far if not for me being more open and brave and bold. I wonder as well, that what if the past happened just for the present to turn out this way. And lastly, I wonder what if we did not at all come to this. Where would you have gone? Where would I turn out to go? Where would we? Questions.

Yet, now I feel only you. I don't know how we got here, but all I know is that we are. And, there's far more places to go, far more to do. Together. Anyone can doubt us, even ourselves, but I for one am not gonna let doubt take this away. Not again. Not a third time. It will be my firsts in many, yet for one I'll be the happiest in the world so share many of those, if not all, with you.

I remember times that I reminisce about you, and now after long last I am not shy to say so. Well, maybe embarrassment doesn't leave me so easily than I would want it to, but at least here words go its mile without the eyes of the world fixated on it like hawks out seeking stories to talk about. The rarity that we rarely speak face to face troubled me, and I did not know if you felt the same way or not. The time spent getting to know each other, through the years, though, is second to none. Remembering from as far back as 4 years is no small thing. Remembering every word would be an exaggeration, but every valuable moment spent brought us here. And if you're as willing as I am, there's more to explore, together.

Maybe we're too young, maybe we're too fast. Maybe we're just unsure but willing to take the chance. As long as you are, then I am.

These are words I could not speak all those years ago, in times gone by. I speak them now, because you're finally here, and I dare not leave these words to be blown away in memory. You're the best thing that could happen to me, yet we've still miles to go. So imagine how special you are in my eyes, always was, and always will be. You're the sunrise.

I'll go the distance, to make this work, as long as you want it to. I promise.

Emotions

2011-05-08T03:44:00.001+08:00

Lights flare in the night,

And vanishes in plain sight,

Like the breeze that took all away,

At the moment one decides not to stay.

Come what may,
On softness I lay,

Far from the thoughts so dreaded,

Now in a land where sadness faded.

Know not my pain,

Know not disdain,

For the freshness I now inhale,

Kindles me like wind on sail.

Descend down a hill,

I walk with thrill,

A butterheart with a smile,

With life on the final mile.

I'm A Butterheart, Easily Wonderstruck.

2011-05-02T22:48:00.000+08:00

Welcome, May. Goodbye, April.

Well, as time goes by and eyes widen in sight, we tend to see things much better. Truth be told, I've discarded most frustration, anger, disappointment, and sadness accumulated over the past week leading to the end of April. There's always one reason or another for that, but the effect is what matters most, for now.

It is true, that I blogged recently not looking at things from other perspectives. Not that I did not look that way, I just harped on the negatives far more than anything else. Because it hurt. But now that I open my eyes a little wider, and of course with the damning feeling receding, I see that decisions you made may have their reasons. Much like actions I made myself. For that sole benefit of the doubt, I shall rest the issue once and for all. Ending the chapter of the story.

But surely that does not mean I look back at the past with changed perceptions. Impressions stay no matter what they are.

I'm hoping May sparks some intriguing turns in life. For now, I need to get over this sickness that has shrouded upon me. And clear the week of academic exams. From then on its sweet sailing for a few weeks.

Belief, Strength, Brokenness.

2011-04-29T10:45:00.002+08:00

As the days pass there is evidently a missing part of life. It is her. Yet I know for sure it isn't reciprocated. After all, she has the myriads of other people to turn to. Other guys, for that matter.

In my mind it is for the best. Yet I can't help but want to pick up my phone and type out the usual "good morning", or the "goodnight, sweet dreams" that has been a staple for me for the past month or so. I can't help but stare at the screen of my desktop and glance the walls of social networking sites and messenger contacts hoping to turn back time. When it didn't hurt so much. When life was so much more full of smiles. When I didn't have to cry.

I need an outlet. The last few days have been a torture at some point, and smooth at other times. I used to be able to pull troubles away, but that was always going to her and sharing the heart and mind. I felt at peace. Yet now all I know is that I was taken for granted all the while, that my attention and affection was all that was wanted, no more. There was no sense of loyalty after the good deeds were done. And the hurt just gets deeper as I pen these words down.

Friends have helped me through the days and nights. I'm so thankful for them. I feel I would have imploded upon myself long ago if not for them by my side. Thank you, all of you. There isn't a day that goes by without me feeling thankful I have the few great friends in life to share my heart with.

There isn't much more to say now. You seem happy, as always you are, and me not being around doesn't even bother you one bit, it seems. I'll pick up, and leave. But I'll be around. If you're happier without me then there isn't anything I would or could do. Because I'll only be there if I have a purpose. And there is only one purpose.

Somehow it isn't easy to let it all go, but since there isn't anything to hold on to anymore, I'll hold on to memory. That's about all I have. The regret of being around lingers. The regret of knowing you shall be a lesson.

You once said, that when a boyfriend and girlfriend break up, and yet they can be friends afterwards, they never really loved each other. Well, the notation aside, I don't think I can be a friend to you. Does that say enough?

It Has Ended.

2011-04-26T11:08:00.001+08:00

The end of the line. The worst fears were lived and fallen upon. The final curtain call.

Unheeding advice and harboring hope was the key. But I was led on a journey I shouldn't have been on. Kept on the wait for something that will eventually won't ever come. Taken on a ride.

It is faith and hope that led me here. As I tried each day to go on, the paranoia receded but so did the constant persistence to understand. I was in tolerance. But it could not be bourne for so long. And thus the conclusion in confrontation, to an answer I already knew but a risk I didn't mind to take. Nor did I have a choice.

And what a step it was, regardless of the outcome.

Two weeks from I could have done the same thing. Yet the words which were spoken would only cement the fact that the wait would not have meant anything but more distress for me. I don't deserve this. Not anymore. For once effort was made in such passion but it had all come to nought. If such is the case then neither effort nor nor effort will get me anywhere. The tide of two extremes has caused me nothing but endless pain.

Yes, I have been blinded, and taken for granted. Treated like any other person around, when I was never doing the same the other way. Now I know all I was was just a stepping stone to have beside. I am not the kind of guy who can live with that. Never will be. And I intend to stick to that to my grave. But what I have gone through now reminisce of a tragedy of ill-use, where one gives in all the sacrifices of life for another with nothing going the opposite direction.

I thought what we had was something special. Even when told there was no immediate future, the hope was always kindled by words. But action was never in line with anything said, no matter how much I trusted those words. I held on because I thought there was a future to hold on to. Now I know all this while, there wasn't. I was just kept to where I was for sakes I do not know of, nor do I now care about. I feel used, taken for granted, played out. The warning signs were evident. The freedom that is sought contradicts the compassion that is wanted. There is no such thing as the best of both worlds, but you never decided. Instead, you kept me on the hook, with false pretenses that one day you will reel it in and we could start something special. But well, I guess I was just another one of your pillars to rely on when others are not around. I wasn't anyone special, nor was I anyone, in your own words, that could be a boyfriend. Yet, you gave the impression I could. Yet, you gave hope with every passing glance. Yet, you held me there even when your actions threw me away. Was I some kind of boomerang you could toy with? Or am I a child so easily fooled by the empty promises? Never did I know you could do such things. But then again, I guess I do not know you that well. Never will I want to anymore.

When I looked into your eyes last night, I told you what I did, you looked away. I wonder why. Is there emotion? Or is there something you hide? Do you even know how much you mean to me for me to do the things I have done? I guess, the answers lie in you, and you alone.

I am beginning to think that I shall never find a true way of being myself for another. If there isn't any effort, truth be told there shouldn't be any results. Yet if there was so much of life and time put into something, but nothing were to come out of it, I shall remain silent in sadness and disappointment.

Is life that cruel to me? Or has time just played around with my being all this while? I have done, and will always do, my best to make someone feel so special. Is it that hard to grant something like that, to fill this void?

Love is a splendor. I thought I knew what love was about. But all I come to know was that I could want to love someone so much, but love would not exist if it was all just from me. No matter the words here, nor the words and actions which follow through these days, remember the words I said to you last night. Those three words will never lose its meaning for that moment in time.

Au revoir.

Wonderstruck - Happy Birthday

2011-04-21T01:59:00.003+08:00

20th April.

Happy birthday.

You've got me here even after all the trials. I hope with my heart you don't lose me through time, or I lose myself in any of the toils I spoke of. I want to be here with you, no matter what. Just don't hurt this fragile soul, I beg.

Opening Eyes To See The Invisible - A Pre-Written Post

2011-04-19T23:42:00.003+08:00

Sunday, 17 April 2011 at 22:15

In the tranquility of the night, under such bright moonlight, can I pen words meant for none, though indeed stories about some.

I know not of what else to say, as this cruel world has dumbfounded me time and time again. Once there had been a missing link, the lack of any effort. Now, it seems as if all endeavours mean nought. The frustration it brings is far worst than the insects that plague my skin right now, in the stillness of the outdoor night. Yet it seems, that once again the heart has to harden itself, to the point where it was deemed untouchable, unbreakable, and to some extent...unthinkable.

As solemnly I admit, advice from anyone can come and go, but it is my stubbornness towards all else that brings me to listen to none. Yet it may be wise to realize, I am who I am today because of it, no matter the flaws or goodness it brings. I am who I am.

To change beliefs, to alter perceptions, to fully accept such detrimental flaws...takes no amount of courage worthy to be measured, for it is not bravery that takes one to this point. It is the heart ruling over all else in one's human being.

And yet, it seems that I am a fool to have such an outlook, to have such a stand in my days. All the negative impressions of my actions are there to see, and surely have I thought the same before. But imagine the naitivity and confidence, to not think in a manner worth condemning? I have that in my mind. To never see things as they fail to turn out to, especially when it comes to someone or something special.

To feel hurt is to have seen something fail. No matter what it might have been, the pain shan't and can't be disguised by any face or action. There is no such thing as a recovery from a wound, because when it heals it leaves a scar to remind one of what it was. The fall was to keep on the journey, that had so many signs of no way through, and yet I went on. Frustration and disappointment, coupled with the ever increasing toll of new tales of the past, which through thick and thin I push this fragile heart to tolerate, brought me all to the brink of destruction. The irony is that, no matter how detrimental the stories deal a blow to my being, I trot on by, ever willing to take the bullet to my head. Ever willing to go the extra mile. No matter where the road takes me to. I still am on this track, harbouring the faintest of hopes. I never lose hope, nor faith, but I do lose time, and when time is lost the spirit dwindles away. The soul dies.

As I pen these words, I know not of the implications it carries. Nor do I know the reason to why I am here, why am I what I am right now, or why did I do the things I did. I only know, it all came from the heart. Call me a fool, call me a crackload of bull, but this is me.

I shedded tears today, in the stillness of the morning, when I sang a hymm that reminded me of a childhood now lost. Without all the dramas and afflictions. Without all the pain, sorrow, hurt. Without who I am today.

And you. You whom I trust to see these words here. It is not my intention to spill out emotions. Rather, it is a way for me to let them go. For I understand I have crossed the threshold on so many levels, and I wish not to do the same again. These words here are a reminder to me, to never fall again. For you, a friend or even more than that, I bestow a heartfelt tale of this boy who could never find his way.

From this day forth this heart shall stone itself. Caving in into the darkness it once resided. Safe, from hurt, but deprived, of any love. I can live with that. I always have. But will I?

PS: Do keep this P&C. Thank you.

Colours. For Her And Only Her.

2011-04-16T00:03:00.003+08:00

As black as the starless night sky,
As green as the jade of times gone by,
As purple the rare roses I seek for you,
And orange like the vibrant sun that dries the morning dew.

As pink as that of the lilypads of a stream,
As yellow as the dandelion gardens of my dream,
Though grey as the rainy evening clouds when you're away,
And red as the flushes on my face whenever you stay.

White a shade of the clearest of a heart,
The silver shine on the hope to never part,
The calmness of the blue sea my conscience lay,
Because you're the rainbow of my everyday.

To her.
From me.
14th April 2011

I'll Sing For You Any Day

2011-04-10T23:58:00.002+08:00

As much as I felt the burn from the past week, all it took was some time and some understanding, on my part, for it all to dissipate. And for me to find the reason I came this far all over again. I'm sorry for the words spoken not too long ago, those were never meant to be said, that is for sure. A mistake I regret.

Sure, some things I rather have not heard nor known, but then again that is something unavoidable in life. Yet even with all these, here I am, still as sound as ever, and waiting.

I've fallen over and over again in these past weeks, more so the weekend that precedes this one, but I won't be letting up anytime soon. The drive that keeps me going, is the same reason that keeps me around no matter what you do nor say. Time is the only obstacle, one which I will go till the ends of the Earth to prevail through.

I'll be by your side no matter what.

I'll go where none have gone for you before.

I'll sing for you any day.

Just let me. And you'll see.

Shattered

2011-04-03T01:15:00.001+08:00

Broken to pieces in ways unexpected. Though how can I not see such a possibility in all things in a world that isn't bent to one's own will?

The feeling of being led astray, being taken on a ride. Being taken for granted all this time. The horrors of the past have revisited me in such drastic fashion, I know not of what else I could do. So similar and reminiscent to times gone by. One might say we best learn from mistakes. Yet when emotions take control, no mistake is avoidable, and thus since no solution was ever conjured to deal with the predicament, the result repeats itself over again.

Hence the tragedy and irony that I live in. There comes a time when we ask ourselves, what are we to others, only to receive answers that we do not wish to hear. But it is too late. No amount of forgetfulness or assumptions can mend a brokenness that scars the heart. At least for me.

How can I not feel distraught? Weeks gone by, and nothing does stay the same. As the dawns and dusks pass, feelings either dwindle or grow. And when nothing stops it from being ever-changing, the presumption stays as it is. The flow continues on, till the time comes for it to be revealed and thus end all speculation. But the dark side lurks, one which wasn't overlooked though lost in the moment. The fall, as it comes when the reciprocity is missing, absent from any trace. Non-existent. Fruitless.

Yet if so, why the passive actions which led to such a conclusion? The assumption was born out of conformity, when in fact neither should have had any base to stand upon. And I was lead on a route to a diminishing end. As exaggerated as it may seem, the hurt is everlasting, and hence the overflow of emotions. Uncontainable by all means.

The bottom line remains: why am I so foolish, to fall in such a manner? Though the fingers may point the other way, it takes two hands to clap. A cliche, no doubt, but a stinging one at that. The pain resides. It shall not subside easily.

I know not of how can I sleep soundly tonight, all I know is there is so much more less reason in life now. No matter what has transpired, nothing shall change the facts that stand out above the rest.

The question was answered.

Goodnight March, I Fear The April Morning

2011-04-01T01:05:00.000+08:00

As I wave goodbye to March and bid hello to April, only one thought comes to mind.

You cannot doubt what someone means to you, but you will always doubt what you mean to someone.

So what am I to you?

Questions. Someone Wake Me Up

2011-03-29T23:50:00.000+08:00

Constant questions arouse when in the depths of paranoia. It tears me apart. The thoughts that linger leave a trail so vividly rich in emotion that the essence it leaves behind burns on long after the flame of doubt is extinguished.

The fake smile draws no attention to the underlay in which it hides. The sorrow-driven persona that strives to make things perfect, and fail all the while. Assumptions and presumptions are abundant in the mind, yet with a mindful cause but looked down upon by the outside world. Scrutinized around, but held to dearly inside. Expectations are a bane which comes upon in such unpredictable ways, though mostly in defeat of any hope.

Faith. A burden when in need, a blessing when available, a curse when in excess.

All I seek is comfort, but I find none in these turbulent times. Only sleep being the last resort to closing the chapter on such uncertain moments. Predicaments caused by the unending thinking of the mind, subduing the heart's content to the heights.

God, give me strength. Or forever will I not know of learning from mishaps and regrets.

Doubts And Dreams

2011-03-27T01:41:00.001+08:00

Have I not come down this path before? Have I not dreamt of a happy ending stemming from all things? Have I not feared the doubts that clutter the entirety that is my conscious?

I remember, from the long thoughts that I had in me, from the innocent mind I grew from to the semi-maturity that it is now, the worries that accompany my every move, my every step. As I venture, the closer I try to get to the end of the road, the narrower it gets, with the walls closing around me. Strangling, choking, my being. I know not the consequences of actions taken while emotionally high, I never do. Trusting the heart has brought much bane more so than joy. The mind sits idly, not knowing what more can it do now that it has been sidelined by the stronger force from within. But it tortures the consciousness, with thoughts of dread and apocalyptic pathways. It takes advantage of the part of me that dreams of fairytale endings, twisting them into doubts that shiver me to the core.

Time is the scapegoat of my thoughts. The blame has always fallen to the past, the present, the future. It is me, my insecurity, that kindles all these manifestations of pessimism. And I fail to deal with them as I should. Because I assume too much in the face of failure and misgivings, with ever extremism. I wish for time to pass, and me not to fall prey to its test of perseverance. I have fallen before. Many a time. The resultant endings causing me to shape into what I am now. Misplaced, misjudged, mistaken. With a diary of emotional distraught to show, continuously haunting the soul inside. A ghost of the living.

All I ask, is for comfort. Something I never had. Somewhere I could go to, to be held in arms of angels, to rest this tired spirit.

*******

Would you be here just as I was always there? Or will I be forever be taken for granted? Questions in a turbulent mind and emotions in a waiting heart. Lost in transfiguration. Finding a home.

When East Meets West, And Nothing Else Matters

2011-03-23T23:55:00.001+08:00

Penang was awesome. The INTIMA Conference that made 4 days seem like memories never meant to be forgotten. But that is all I shall say.

*******

Time really has its ways in manipulating how life turns out to be. One moment you can be focused and directed at a goal so far off, it seemed impossible. Just a flash in the future, choices open up. And in the moments which follow, a whole new perspective. A whole new world, in the minds of us all.

A snowflake can never be the same with any other, ever. The same has to be said with every passing day. Every passing moment. Life would be so much more simpler if reruns occurred in place of the constant deviation that is our outlook on life itself. It is thus, one frightful world out there, one in which nothing is ever the same, everything can end or begin at the blink of an eye. The fear lives within us. It never fades nor nears its dusk.

Music accompanies me on these hard routes. The passion to sing and join in in choruses of songs and melodies is one gift I truly embrace, though there are times where someone like me could feel discouraged, to even belt out a tune in fear of disappointment. But that's just me. Take away the joy of singing from me, and you take away the one true conscience I have that keeps me from falling apart. And I have fallen before.

*******

All the philosophies aside, there's only one thing on my mind. It has been such for long enough awhile now. And it's just you. I don't know if you feel the same. I sure hope you do. And I won't give up this time round. Even if it kills me inside, day in day out. Because I've been here before, only to not go on. But this time, I will. No matter the costs, no matter the hardships. No matter the constant bombardments of intrusions and stares that accompany my every unforeseen move. Anything for you. :)

The Light

2011-03-15T01:55:00.000+08:00

It's undoubtedly been awhile. Life has been such a constant flash each day, time going by ever quickly. It's a wonder how I keep pace and keep track of the occurrences that happen, and every little detail that is worth remembering. I'm thankful for a memory decent enough to recall. Here goes two weeks of eventful days...

A trip to Awana once again is the highlight of the weekend. What seemed just a simple overnight stay turned out to be one of the best weekends I've ever had with college mates. This is really what life is all about. And I dare not forget such exhilarating moments. Heck, I dare not even think of the possibility of crossing out of memory everyone who did make the trip ever more special with their presence. Not one person failed to play a part, not one person left out from the smiles and cheers.

From a good to a bad. The day to leave for the Highlands was also the day of a showdown in the "second" home of mine. One meeting to solve all quarrels, one gathering to settle all disputes. With a mind so caught up with the speed of the passing days I calmed just in time to expel the innermost feelings and judgments which made up the core of my ill thoughts about where I stood in the hierarchy of us all. And presented them I did with thankfully and open and sound conscience. Faithfully hanging on to the sanctity and sanity of everything in the hope that things will all be smooth from now on.

The silver screen always had an attraction for someone like me who lacked talent in the fine arts, second only to music. And so happens that I was asked to play a role as the lead male in a music video remake of Taylor's Love Story for a college assignment. Yes, tell me this when I was crazily into her music and I would have dropped dead for sure. The shoot brought me to the French Village at Bukit Tinggi, Pahang, a wonderful beauty of a place, as well as the Hospitality Block at college. Two days over the weekend of playing dress up and constant video shooting. Of trying to understand Chinese and stoning. Of being silenced in the most peculiar way possible. All in all, one great experience. I look forward to the release of the clip. Now that's something worth waiting for.

I mentioned music, did I? Out of the blue here comes a talent show competition in campus, and I found myself being as nosy as ever and joining it. One entry as a solo, another as a duet partner or accompanist, whichever term suits the situation best. We made it through the auditions, and Wednesday begins the journey. I have no high hopes at all to be frank, yet I shall give it all I've got. The experience matters, and that is what I shall be convincing myself to believe in all the way.

And that, folks, was a brief wrap up of the happenings around. Oddly enough I am speaking so direct on these day-to-day events, yet I think it is just a passing trance. One full of work and stress. To the extent of altering a blogging perception and style. Worrisome indeed.

*******

A day out can either mean as little as the drizzle before a storm, or as much as the hurricane winds that make up the sky. To me, it was a wonder of a day. Words run out of meanings, phrases lose their sentiments, rhymes ebb out into the abyss of cheery feelings. I'm trotting on ground I've rarely ventured on, but its a chance I am willing to take. Such is the conviction to not look back and instead, move on forward. Braver and bolder. And definitely with unforeseen perseverance and much needed care. I ain't gonna back away.

To the One above, guide me, I beg Thee.

Days To Remember

2011-02-27T23:22:00.001+08:00

2 events, 6 days, 3 days each, one after the other, months in the making. Effort and perseverance. Blood, sweat and tears shed. The days have proven to be the most memorable of the year.

INTIMA Week. The responsibility entrusted to me, and the team I was privileged to work with was such an entity to hold close to heart. Of course, there were many obstacles. Internal, external, all around. Yet we pulled through. I pulled through. Success was achieved.

Council Camp. Attended by 41 members of the Council, and put together by the 11 members of INTIMA with assistance from the ECA, it was one huge undertaking, which went on very well. Though a few hitches came by, as they do as always, the team led by one of my college bros managed to get things on a roll and conjure up a memorable weekend.

Thank you, to everyone, for being a part of the efforts we made together. Life is great.

***

A fork in the road divides the pathway. One leads onwards to the land always dreamt of, another a route with an enticing call. I need to know, where do I stand, on either one. Alike in so many ways, yet different in their outcomes. Do I have options, or is this just the sign I needed to test my resolve?

My mind is too tired out to go any further.

Go The Distance?

2011-02-18T01:29:00.000+08:00

Cut to the chase. Things happen for a reason. As meticulous as I can be, sometimes it doesn't all go according to plan. The strategy works if it all falls into place.

***

Sometimes I feel things aren't what they will turn out to be. Sometimes, I feel like giving up on the promises I once held on to so dearly. Sometimes, I just want to play Russian roulette with myself and hope to live to tell the tale. But then sometimes, I just feel so relieved. Those are the times which I cherish most, no matter how short and how simple they might turn out to be for others.

It is still a long way to go on a journey with a dead end looming. The gut feeling within fails to ward me off from the perils. Come what may, for once I am true to my word till the very end. The things I do, how silly they might seem to be, always have their reasons. And honesty portrays the biggest picture of it all.

I am far from perfect. I am what I am; nothing more than a man with no bearing on how to be the person for others. But that won't stop me from trying. Far from it, it is the agony of the broken route that I will go through, and if unfortunate, succumb in.

Until I know who am I, I am no one.

And so I will keep going. Living a lie is no better than lying for life, nor vice versa. But living is what I can do, for now. That is all I will do, in fact.

Valentine's

2011-02-14T02:23:00.000+08:00

February 14.

A date to savour for some, one to dread for others. Yet there are those who stand by the fence, not perturbed nor attracted by its enchanting call. Where do I stand? Everywhere, I suppose. As always.

Years have gone by without a hitch, each V-day with nothing to be excited about nor saddened for. To be honest, no drama is better than any drama, whether good nor bad. And I can safely say, the guaranteed absence of sadness is worth all the sacrifice of any happiness. Until now, maybe.

Without a doubt it has always been a special day to spend with that one loved one, no matter who, what, where, why, when, or how. But solemnly such a thing is hard to find, even more difficult to hang on to. Life is such, I guess. As the path widens so does the dangers at each corner. But so is the satisfaction which life offers in return for all the chances taken.

At this ripe age one should be able to call someone else their own, someone they could spend time with all day and night. Commitments are truly not simple tasks yet it is definitely the least of worries. It is finding a match among the billions of people on Earth that is the gamble of a lifetime. Sadly of course, such things are never solved so bluntly, and as such the agony of rolling the dice of life's luck and playing the cards of life's chances trots on in us.

But indeed, we still trot on. And that is the miracle we seek.

And so will I. Endeavours may come and go, but life never ends till the final heartbeat. Till then, this heart will still beat.

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope I could make yours ever more special than it already is.

When Smiles Fill The Day

2011-02-12T00:45:00.003+08:00

I love days like these. One full of suspense, surprises, and above all, smiles all around. The effort didn't matter, nor the cost, but the results of cheery faces at the end of everything. No matter how far I go or how high in the sky I climb to, never will I find a feeling as great as this.

It is heart-warming to know that intricate plans weeks old turns out the way it should be in the end. And that is all there is to it.

Smile. Because the world lights up when you do. :)

The Night Sky Lit Like The Morning

2011-02-11T00:50:00.000+08:00

For all the time that has passed us by, we never spare a moment to look at the present. Instead, we wait for each passing second to become past, and then we reminiscent it as a only a memory lost from the present. Why we never look upon the days we live in while with folly we rather regret the histories, is nothing but a mystery.

Yet the future is where to key lies at. If only we could believe in the future as much as we believe in the past. If only things to come were as simple and not complex as the things that have come and gone. If only.

The day has come, while the night is reaching its dawn as soon as it dusks. The beginning, or the end? The honesty, or the face to pretend? Let live choose the path for me.

Confusion. Of Smiles Or Frowns. And The Burnout That Lingers

2011-02-10T00:45:00.000+08:00

We seek the better things in life. Without a doubt there won't be a reason to live if it is not for the joys and happiness life offers. We are easily confused as to what we want, and what our wants will lead to. Whether or not we live with smiles on our faces, or just frowns that dampens the scene, we still live somewhat robotic lives.

The horror approaches when we suffer from the impending burnout after long hours of pursuing the goals we glorify or wish to uphold. When we are weak to not see the effects of our actions, no matter how simple and straightforward some might be. And our minds fail to comprehend the simplicity or complexity of any situation. We struggle even in the most basic tasks, which may predetermine our livelihood in just the moments that follow.

Rest is what I need. Rest from everything. The drama, the stubbornness, the work, the competence. There comes a point where everything seems to fall apart, all hope and all faith ebbing away drastically till only useless swagger and pride is left. Time, heal me. I need it more than ever.

No Other

2011-02-07T01:52:00.001+08:00

The world portrays a shining light upon your face, hailing a one-of-a-kind marvel. Praises ring in from far and near, passers-by stand in awe, and the crowd shouts a thousand cheers. Placing you upon a throne of such divine reckoning, the feeling is comparable to that of lightness of air. A zero to hero moment, a life-changing second.

Yet, it all falls apart. Because none of it matters when the world does not include the one which means the world to you. And so the fall begins, and you never really get back up on your feet.

Somehow, you regain composure, you regain calmness, you regain your lost self. Life seems bright once again, brighter than ever.

And here comes the darkness once again. The rest is recent history, but so reminiscent of the not so distant past.

***

I am here now for who I was. The past predetermines the future, no doubt, but whether it directly causes history that repeats itself remains to be seen. The hunch is that it will, no matter the effort to prevent such occurrences.

Yes, truth be told I am not in the right frame of mine. I guess I never was, never will be. Recovering from past wounds is never possible, because scars are eternal. No matter the effort to right the wrongs of the time long gone, it will return in memory as a wrong nonetheless.

All because of the attitude of one so naive, life had to present a wake up call so drastic it shook the pillars of time. And he is still shaken to the core, for the remembrance of tragedies is so vivid in mind. Plagued by the curse that is inexperience, I trot on not knowing what lies beyond each new corner I take on this turf. The situation is so similar, yet to different in many more new ways. The effort to change actions and thoughts to something much more suiting is though tiresome and painstaking, has nothing to show for all the time and energy it has ripped apart from my being.

To change what has been etched in stone, to change a belief so strong. To change from what I once was, or still am now. But well, some things are never meant to be, never meant to be changed. Impressions last a lifetime, or I dare say a miracle alters the fabric of time itself to save a lost cause such as this.

The ring in which I live life in is repeating its cycle once again. Never once did I doubt that circumstance, and I probably never will. We shall see.

No other. You don't know me. Right here waiting.

When Past Meets Present, When It Doesn't Matter Anymore

2011-02-06T03:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes we get what we ask for in the most outrageous of sources. Sometimes, we get the opposite of that fatal answer we hope and dream for. And even in other times, we just don't get a clue of what we seek for.

These are times when a song on your mind keeps playing over and over, drowning the apparent doubt that resurfaces every now and then. When the replay button goes on an overdrive and the usual night calm cast away by the sounds of music beats and tunes.

And you get lost in emotion, till the deepest abysses of thought and feeling.

***

I miss the simpler times, when things were in their infancy and you could teach life how it should be, much like that of a baby. Simple steps, small and gentle paces on the pathway to an aim. That's it: I never had the aim when I walked the first time. We all just wanted to walk, not knowing where we were walking to. And when we do realise, we've walked by the place we were to stop at, and there's no turning back. The only way is forward, and you hope that it will take you pass that stop all over again, while also hoping your previous journey past it is long forgotten and not thought of any longer.

Such circumstances only last in dreams. And I have to stop dreaming if I want reality back, the reality I cherished ever so much only months ago. That was when I felt at my prime, at the top of my strength and valour, the pinnacle of all I stood for. Invincible, unperturbed, empowered. I miss that fateful confidence that longed for stress and challenge, and took each one head on with no second thoughts. The thrust of such power.

Yet here I am now, biting back the very essence of emotions that came knocking at my door when I let my guard down. The walls which held firm not two seasons ago crumbled beneath the staggering resurfacing of an old foe, one which has yet to have an eternal slumber once believed it was in.

So what now? I shall compromise. Like I have always done. 2011 is a chess game waiting to either be won or lost. There is no forcing a draw in such circumstances. Forward in offence, so reminiscent of my intuitive play, is where I lay my charges at, but victory against opposition so fierce seems unlikely as such, yet a lost is one filled with dignity. Backtracking in defence lies a win that doesn't exist, one of patience and putting it all in the hands of another, while in defeat brings about memory of the sulking past not so easily forgotten.

The time ticks away, and judgements reach their days of reckoning. There's no room for regrets or withdrawals, there's only one way the entire fiasco can be laid to rest. And that's the way out.

The Late-Winter Breeze

2011-02-04T01:28:00.001+08:00

As the day opens a new chapter, the night closes the one before it. No, its no story of lore or tale of adventure, it is but a simple life's journey through the days, months, and eventually years. Each minuscule measurement of time is accounted for, so is every action and reaction that gives birth to each new moment. Ah, the tranquillity that is time, when not in a constant rush.

And yet, it feels as if we were born to make time fly. To speed up all that is around us, to achieve more, to accomplish task after task, time and time again. We feel the need for chances to come our way, for opportunities to drop at our feet with the thinking that we will take it up and once and for all do what is needed to be done.

But when our wishes do come true, we falter.

We fail. No, I, failed.

A month or so ago, the doubts were set aside in place of renewed hope for an everlasting confidence that was, at the time, ascertained to pull me through till the bitter end. A month or so on, I barely moved along the path. And it killed me inside. Life literally ebbing away, along with all the courage mustered just weeks ago.

Where does one go from here? Time has proven a tricky entity to master, with efforts having been wasted in the wind for all soul and sundry. It is as a cry in the desert, unheard and unresponsive. A barren wasteland stands on all sides, proving once again what a hopeless journey it was and is turning out to be.

Once again the question is asked: where does one go from here?

Only time, the antagonist of this pitiful fairytale, will tell. The villain, and yet the game keeper. Holding the keys to both redemption and suffocation. Which door will it open, it remains to be seen.

For now, I will just breathe. And that is all I will do.

February

2011-02-01T23:27:00.000+08:00

February, please be kind to me. I need a bright month for a change.

Not The 31 Days One Would Hope For

2011-01-31T22:33:00.006+08:00

Shattered, by the brokenness. Battered by the seemingly unending cycle of mirrored occurrences.

The past month hasn't shone like what it was foreseen to have. Somehow, the promise that it boasted at the turn of the year was all but a mirage of epic proportions. Headway in paths which was so vitally seen as achievable turned out as meaningless as dust, while the perseverance in the causes once held dear slowly fades into the oblivion it once resided in.

It feels more and more like a curse, cast upon such a journey that already holds so little to savour to start with. The end to all hope is nigh, and the fear of another lonesome walk is gradually taking its dreaded form. Unavoidable, as always, it seems, that the dusk of this time of year always catches upon any dawn that tries to reach out.

Pessimism has always been a trait of mine, not so much so an ideal one but agreeably one that stands out among the norm. Music used to calm its temperament, soothe its rushing waves, lull the storms that threaten to cause havoc to a gentle slumber.

Not anymore.

Granted I do miss the less torrid times of life, yet if only my mind could put to rest the dreams that make up my overestimated hopes, I could have days and nights with much more joy and so much less pain and doubt.

Let's see how February turns out. Au revoir, January 2011.

Why.

2011-01-27T09:43:00.001+08:00

Friday, 21st January, 2011.

6.10am.

One week ago.

A part of me was deemed lost forever.

My Facebook and Hotmail were hacked.

No idea whose doing this could be, neither any thoughts on why me. But I won't rest till they are returned to me, or I will die trying.

Kudos to the Windows Live Team, 4 days on and I got my Hotmail back. Now for the ever-vital Facebook.

Wish me hope, luck, and prayer.

Holding Back

2011-01-17T02:42:00.003+08:00

The songs of the day remind me of an emptiness still yet to be filled. There exist no antidote to ease such...pain. Muster as much confidence, strength, resolve, etcetera, as I can, it only takes a moment within a tune to bring me back to the brokenness I always felt. 2011 is supposed to be a year where I take flight to ventures and horizons I used to only dream of, yet my dreams of a different kind holds me back, like they always have. Falling apart, day by day.

And yet I trot on. A journey I feel could end, or I end it myself. A bane to the mind and heart. I used to think life had much to offer, and that I had much to offer to life, or to a life, for that matter. I still think the same, but how long can I persevere with petty thoughts and hopes, I no longer know.

Its been weeks, months, years, God knows how long. But time has no bearing. Neither do anything else. Hopes and dreams are nothing but illusions to keep us away from reality and logic. In reality I am at my strength. In dreams, at my weakest.

As the twilight hours drag on, the walls around close in. The songs amplify their haunting echoes. Dawn seems so far away. Fear and anxiety sets in, and the shuddering beckons even more worry.

But it ain't over till the fat lady sings. The final draw of cards in the deck of uncertainty. And when all else fails, I shall crash and burn. All over again.

My attitude, my arrogance, my stubbornness. They brought me here. I created them, they grew, they imploded on me. Will it happen again? Prayers for them never to repeat. Yet, nothing is defined, nothing is impossible. I wish the latter part of that sentence can be said for all things in life, and said with such confidence.

The clock strikes on an unknown number, the curtains fall, the keys lock themselves in. I am back at where I was, so now where do I go from here? A question left unanswered, as was the same when I was here the first time.

I'm holding it all back. Holding it all in. With all might, with all strength left. Whilst carrying perseverance for a lost cause.

The Fear

2011-01-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

The fear of falling. The fear of failing. The fear of seeking and never finding and the fear of having nothing.

The rush of the heartbeat, the shivers of the palm. The tremble in the gut and the weakening of the arm.

Words mean little today. I pray for a better tomorrow.

Weakness

2011-01-07T01:31:00.001+08:00

Belief. I need to pull through this. I will. It is such times which prove to be a test of my resolve, constantly barraging me with thoughts that can be suicidal if uncared for. I seek confidence.

I'm wishing for days to go by quickly. My exhaustion in the normal daily routine physically stops me dead in my tracks, yet my mind works as if it runs on an unending supply of fuel. Right now would be an exact example.

I know I am weak, but I strive to change that. Discipline and steadfastness, control and strength. They each play their part collectively. As the days pass by I feel slightly more insecure, a constant flashback replaying in my head of the self oath I made to keep me from falling. I don't want to fall again, and I won't.

Lessons have been learned, but more importantly, sights have changed. The end of the road is a different destination, one which does not have a route back but one with an alternate path if a dead end is met. And that is what I have to constantly believe in.

I'll give it my all, I shall not give up. I have come this far, and though in distance it is but a mere step in a marathon, I shall persevere till the end. Why shouldn't I? When there is such will, there shall be a way.

As my eyelids seal themselves on a calm night, I hope to dream a better dream, holding on to the childhood belief that dreams do come true. They never have, not in my lifetime, but who knows. Rightly so. No one knows for certain.

It is time to toughen up the soft core I have held all these years, but never to change who I am to be. This is Aaron, of 2011, and he has unfinished business.

The Smile

2011-01-06T00:24:00.001+08:00

No matter how dark the past days might have been, or how bright the presumption can reach at the dawn of a brand new age, nothing clears the air better than a smile.

No matter how small it was or could be, a glance of it is enough to know something is right. Righting wrongs and undoing mistakes matter so much less when all seems as if they never happened. A smile can do just that.

From here on end, that's the smile I want to remember and prolong. And I will, till the very last effort left.

For now, I observe my pace. A watchful eye on my deeds, and a steadfast mind on my thoughts. More importantly, a loyal soul.

Smile, though your heart is aching.

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. Happy New Year.

2011-01-01T16:20:00.002+08:00

1 year.

12 months.

52 weeks.

365 days.

8760 hours.

525600 minutes.

31536000 seconds.

It all went by in a flash. And now, a new year is borned from the death of the last. Mythically representing the likeness of the phoenix. Rising again from the ashes, the end of one life leads to the beginning of another. When dusk turns to dawn.

Happy new year, everyone. 2011 is a year like any other new years we celebrate, yet we look forward for the better each and every time.

My wishes for this year? Well, words hardly explain emotion. Let's just say, for 2011, I wish for life to be much more full of smiles and happy moments, for days to start fresh in the mornings and nights to end subtly. Leaving past behind as what it is, while working for a better future irrespective of compounded doubt and uncertainty.

This is the year I mature into someone I know I can be. For myself, for that someone special, for everyone. I will wait for that chance to arrive.

May your 2011 be as blessed as you wish it to be.

'Tis The Season. Merry Christmas.

2010-12-25T22:58:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone.

From my Facebook page:

"Ironically, I can't remember much of last Christmas. I hope I can remember this year's, and wait for next year's to come, remembering to look back on today and hopefully feeling that the one year that passed made life much better for me. Merry Christmas everyone."

Very much well said. To me Christmas is a more important day than New Year's, in a way. I wonder where will I be, or what I am, come next Christmas. I hope much better off than where I stand now.

I hope Christmas next year can be celebrated with someone special by my side, someone whom I can share much smiles with. Words cant fully describe how much my longing has grown. And thus words dont deserve a mention.

Trials will come my way, yet life is so. And I will challenge life all the way come next year. No longer a patient of the intolerance. I will persevere till I can feel the Christmas magic once again.

Merry Christmas once again, may you be blessed with love and happiness, your wishes and dreams come true and your life full of smiles and joy with your beloved loved ones.

If Only

2010-12-20T02:14:00.001+08:00

If only we could turn back time and undo a wrong.

Or better yet, forget it ever happened.

My life's wish is to forget what I can't now do.

A wish, I realise, that will never come.

I'll push on, there is nowhere else to go. Trapped in my self-made crypt, bounded by chains the mind provoked. The mind has done so much wrong. Is there a way back?

If only you were here. You could save me. Only you. Yet, you aren't. You are nought.

From Where We Left Off

2010-12-17T05:30:00.001+08:00

The last few days have been filled with inner turmoil so distinct from the past that I fear its many positives will turn for the worst, and thus with it ending all promises for a happy ending we all seek. Yet, the convincing aura remains. The shroud with which my sorrows once came from now becomes my source of thoughts of perseverance, effort, and the intent of not giving up. Not giving in. Not losing hope.

In time, the path shall become clearer. As for the time being, my heart and mind have clicked in accordance with the similar aim. The goal is far-fetched, yet the will is not deterred. I have faced the trance of defeat and failure time and again till they have slowly ebbed themselves away to make room for a confidence to seek without fear of lost.

The strength is yet to be tested. But as long as the will remains, and the conviction is undeterred, the effort shall be carried out till a result is imminent, be it a good or a bad one. Only time will tell.

At The Crossroads To Dead Ends

2010-12-11T05:12:00.002+08:00

The path has not yet ended, yet in time it most definitely will. But the wanderer's spirit isn't broken, not yet. Quite the contrary, he is seeking a map and a guide, to take the journey regardless the perils. He seeks only the joy at the end of the road, the light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet, what if it still plunges into darkness? What if, there is no such merriment awaiting him?

For once, he does not seem to care. For once, he still trots on.

The months that follow will be filled with figurative landmines spawning itself as more thoughts are deciphered. I know not the many details which others have, but does it really matter? Maybe it does, maybe not. But I am prepared to lay it all on the line. There is no other notion, fading away isn't one anymore. The cowardice nature that once was is now a bane of memory.

I have nought to lose, though what gain is there remains to be seen. For now, I will revert back to the carefree self I was for the past months, where at least I escaped torrential moments with a smile. But, I feel strongly, it is time to not let thoughts overpower the day. Everything thus far is a matter of thought, ideas, hopes, dreams, projections of the future. None concrete but the decision itself, which still remains to be seen the likelihood of it occurring.

We shall see. At the crossroads to dead ends, I wait.

Words Louder Than Action

2010-12-10T02:31:00.002+08:00

Maybe thinking back of the past isn't the way to move forward. Maybe retelling the tale that was once such a bane isn't the right path to take to start anew. Maybe. Just maybe. I might be making more mistakes.

Yet it soothes. Nothing but the truth can instil such calmness.

I need to hide this emotional side of me, if I were to embrace the joys of life. It needs to be covered under layers upon layers of everyday events.

Chaining my thoughts is what I should do. Shackle them in bolts and sealed with will.

I need an outlet.months back it existed. Now, where should I move towards? The insane yet desired aim? Or to retreat as I have always done. Run, or stay. Escape, or fight.

Choices.

Don't Turn Away

2010-12-09T00:39:00.001+08:00

Dreaming. Hoping. Wishing. Praying.

That seems to be the only thing one can do when in dire need of something vividly unobtainable so far. He dreams. He hopes. He wishes. He prays. Yet he knows, for all the sake he has kept his sanity in, that all these are just the mirages of human thought to hide the reality that is so clear if not blinded. Impossible.

Tired hands still work the day away, while at night an aching heart still lingers with emotion, and in sleep a mind is haunted by impending thoughts.

The torture comes and goes. Nothing heals forever, no pain gone for good. It is with effort we seek a cure for all ailments, yet we fail to see the cure itself being a bane. A sign of reliance to sources of comfort, admitting defeat in its face and adopting ideals which make us feel better not for the long run.

In these times one would have to make the decision. The act. To stay and burn in the wildfire that plagues the soul, or to walk away forever in the light of the fear that comes.

I regret the path I took.

But not without first realising, that it was all within reason.

My reasons. The ones which became my downfall, just well within the lines of logic.

And logic became my sworn enemy, as was the people whom once I stood by.

All is fair in love and war.

I just never felt the former. For now, I hope.

Thinking Never Solved Anything

2010-12-05T02:55:00.002+08:00

The title is self explanatory though goes against most common advise given out. "Think before you act" has always been a staple in life, my life nonetheless. Yet, the last few days have been just full of thoughts, to the extent any action fails to satisfy its need. I have failed to differentiate between coarse of action which can happen and the prominence, or should I say, distinct probability, of dreams becoming reality.

In short, I still think of her. I don't know why. I know I have been down this road before, and it wasn't pleasant. Never will such a memory bare any smile except for the fact I lived through it and survived. Why do I repeat this again, then? What has gotten into me? Just a few days and it seemed like months of hardship pulling through thick and thin in daily life has gone down the drain. All progress made in recuperating from lost hope now waning into the same ditch where floundered goals and dreams lie. How did I stoop this low once again?

I must confess I feel saddened yet encouraged by my sudden and rapid evolution of emotions. Disappointed that I failed to keep myself from falling once more, yet propelled in the sense that of being someone optimistic that this time round I have a more viable chance. Many would say it is as if having false hope in a lost cause. But what would I do if I ever will take such a path?

I am treading dangerous grounds as I pen these words, but I reckon it is for my memory's sake I do so.

Day by day I will try to impress her in everything I can. To the extent of attracting ridicule and any of the sort, for I would do anything for her to notice me.

I will celebrate New Year's with her, in our group of friends, not in some mall or square where the large crowds gather, but in the calmest of gardens and parks where the heavens can be seen from horizon to horizon, just sitting under an open cloudless moonlit sky.

I would orchestrate her a birthday she will never forget, one that shall make her smile from dawn till dusk, with all friends around, brightening her day like none other before. And never letting her know it was me.

I would ask her to the prom. Because I always wanted to and never had the chance nor the guts. Because she deserved to be asked to one. Because she belonged to be at one.

And when all is said and done, I will breathe deeply for a moment or two, remembering I did all I can to make her happy, to make her smile. As despairing as I may sound, her happiness is all I desire. The hope I have is that it is me who could bring it to her, yet such chances are far-fetched.

These are the things which I would do for her. Yet, I, and we all, well know such are the actions which I will never have the opportunity of doing. Even for the most minor of hopes, there will always be the barrier that is logic holding my ruthless and illogical heart from acting.

It shall remain nothing but a dream. Yet, I would do just about anything, to see her smile to never fade. Anything.

Thus, I end after an episode of much fuelled emotional tension within my own being. Though one day I shall look back at these words and may look upon myself in surprise, I engrave this here as a memory of a dream I had of someone whom I thought was special not because of any petty factor, but just for who she is.

And yet, she will never know.

Take flight, chap, and ascend like you once did on the dawn of August. May these words bear the brunt of the realization of imminence in thoughts which end, like they are supposed to.

It Feels Like July All Over Again.

2010-12-03T16:36:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time. Never would I have thought that I will grace these pages again as I used to do ever so frequently. I guess writing has always been a passion I can not erase, though who would want to do such a absurd action anyhow? The past months have been an eye opener, yet I have come to a point that resembles much of a certain few days back a few months ago, when turmoil spurred my mind into disintegration.

Since the last year, one month out of the twelve has always had the tag where my life altered so significantly. For 2009, it was February. For 2010, it is July. I am not prepared to let another July happen this year.

And yet here I am, thinking of thoughts which mirror those of that month, where I fell ever disgracefully from the pinnacle at which I was having the best time of life I could have asked for, at the time. Granted, human mistakes tend to happen, though I have never accepted the fact that mistakes are never preventable. Thus began the journey to get life back on its track.

August, September, October, and November. Swift months, passing by like gales in the morning sun. In that time the somewhat usual happens: a great start, the common coming of age, and the end which begins with realization. It is a cycle, where you discover if you really belong somewhere, be it among people or the environment. My eyes have open much broader, to the extent that I deduce who should I be with and who not.

On a lighter side of things, my involvement in college has seen mixed results. On one hand I fit in quite well among my peers at INTIMA, on the other I have strayed far from others which I used to be closed to.

Another occurrence, in November, of which the date has slipped past my memory. Me being admitted to hospital, for a case of kidney stones. Two days and a night spent there, with a procedure being done. Then came December 1st, my second visit, to remove a medical device placed inside of me and to carry out surgery on my groin region. Another two days and one night. A full load of medication, and a follow-up scheduled in a week's time. Recovery is expected to take a month. And there goes another long holiday period.

Medically, and mentally, I am indeed unfit. To be hit by these sores and physical pains has caused my mind to wander into those thoughts which I thought I had buried, yet in just a few days I have unearthed them all over again. Should I bury them once more? Or embrace their worth and risk the many consequences as July faced? An answer only time will tell.

As for now, I shall sign off, with me being not in the right state of mind and body to delve any further into anything of this sort.

Welcome back, Sunsets. Don't you fail me now.

2 Months

2010-12-02T23:55:00.002+08:00

2 months and life has taken its many turns.

Yet I feel as if I'm all the way back, at square one.

Only time will tell, the next route which I shall take for my life's journey.

Hello, Sunsets. I have returned.

18

2010-10-02T23:03:00.002+08:00

October 2nd.

I am 18.

Happy Birthday, Aaron Timothy Minjoot.

I've come this far without even noticing time has gone by so drastically. As I look back at 18 years of life, expressions of all shapes and sizes fill my face and thoughts, as I ponder the ups and downs of a rollercoaster ride that has gotten me from the highest of heights to the lowest of abysses.

I look at actions which have made myself and others so proud, and others which have caused much grief and regret. People whom I shared so much fond memories with, and those I had disputes with. My joys, my frustrations. My empathy, my anger.

From a frame of life to another, it all flashes by in a brilliant display of light both bright and dark. Love, hate, confusion, they were ever present. And they will be beyond these 18 years, I'm sure.

Yet, putting all the reminiscences aside, I have had a day to savour. Though simple, yet so meaningful.

I thank everyone for their wishes, and kind words. I bid you all the best in life, and a blessing of God as well. You have made my day, the day which means the world to me, complete in ways ever abundant.

As for Sunsets, will life start restart with it by my side? A question still unanswered. I shall ponder further.

The time ticks away. I seek maturity, and respect, and freedom. Those are part of the few which I hope to achieve in the years to come, things which are priceless and impossible to be seen with the naked eye. As I pen these words, the change in me is ever increasingly finding its path. A new path. My path.

Life. A brand new start.

Au revoir.

Paradox

2010-10-01T22:30:00.001+08:00

October 1st.

As I look back on the past 18 years of life, any good or bad that can come from it flashes by me. All the thoughts that have been compiled carefully in memory, remain as stories waiting to be retold.

Today, I leave my past behind, to start again from the present, for a brighter future.

Actions revisited, learnt from, and executed once again albeit rightly this time round.

Hello once again, you have witnessed the return of a sleeping soul.

This is Aaron Minjoot. This is Sunsets. This is all there is, all that will ever be.

The Final Sunset

2010-08-08T18:25:00.003+08:00

The 210th post of a very special history on this here blog. Yet sad to say, I have decided to shut Sunsets To Midnight down. It has caused me much cheer and smiles but also pain and sorrow. Words here have been blown away in the wind and sand till it impacted the life which I led in ways I am truly disappointed in.

Why the sudden decision? A reluctant though a maybe necessary decision, I feel its the only choice to find a cure. I just can't bear any more losses. No longer can I bear continuous thoughts and heartache which travel through my nights and confuse me substantially during the day. I have had enough of wrongs while my rights have been pathetically insufficient. Many a time I have both taken things out of context and into assumptions, and the same can be said for others on me. I am truly sorry, either way. My nature has caused a disaster of extreme consequences.

My life needs a new chapter. A long overdue one. I have tried to let it bloom out on its own, but memories won't let me start anew. Memories especially engraved on Sunsets. Memories I had tried to forget and yet somehow they remain. There are many more words I have yet to leave here, but time has caught up with me and I know I can't linger any longer for a time to portray them. I have wasted enough already searching for the answers to my unending questions.

As I continued blogging day by day, I went deeper and deeper into thoughts which have caused nothing but pain and hurt all around. Those actions...countless many of them, I did with the end in mind. Never would I have known that the end would be MY end, my own undoing, my own grave.

My many mistakes have been made. I shall not say what others have done in return, for it is not my place to be a judge, yet only in my mind they remain. An apology is never enough to cure anything, both for and by me. A wrong leaves a scar, and it never does heal. I have left many scars, and have had my fair share of them in return. I can only contemplate the choices I made which have led me to this very situation, and if I could have made wiser moves.

Yet, I am one who has tired to not have regrets. My actions were a resemblance of my 'now' moments at the time. Stubborn as I can be, I do know what I have caused to be of unnecessary circumstances. Whether intentional or not, the damage has been done. The past will not change, the present is only an instant to shape the future. I want to shape a brighter future, for myself and the people I am with.

To those who have frequented Sunsets regularly, or even momentarily: thank you, from the bottom of my heart. One can know much from the words I have poured out here, and I have made it a point to always be truthful in every post, in every phrase, in every song. Yet, as I have found out, honesty isn't always worth the time and sacrifice. Not everyone feels the same of truths, and because of that I have been marooned in my thoughts.

The heart and mind have spoken. I shall bid goodbye, a reluctant one.

As Sunsets comes to a close, so does a prominent part of my life. The life where I found emotions to be my strongest strength, and my most damning weakness. Tears, cheer, anger, sorrow: they have all seen their time. I can't deny them passage into my life, but I can halt engraving them in memory, at least for awhile.

One day, when life becomes enchanting once again...I shall return.

As the sands of time fade away,

I no longer feel a reason to stay,

For cheers and tears have come my way,

Only for the heart to run astray.

Goodbye.

Aftershock

2010-08-08T02:24:00.000+08:00

As I pen this words down, a draft has already been written in response to a message somewhere along the blogosphere. Yet I shall refrain from posting it with uncertainty as to its necessity. I shall await the final notice before it is put up for all to see.

I do hope it is not needed.

Au revoir.

2.24AM

A Retarded Perception, Shall I Laugh?

2010-08-07T15:22:00.004+08:00

It is indeed humorous, to continue scouring the scene for more answers, only to find the same answers repeated. Yes, I find it funny. Especially when there are things which I can say would be a case of deja vu, only in the opposite direction.

No, I will not let another picture, story, or conversation take me down again. Why? Because this time, I didn't just sit and crapped. I didn't just assume. I didn't just ran away. But hey, no one notices, so I can't blame anyone for their 'undying, neutral, and fair' perceptions.

As silly as this sounds, I'm actually rather happy. Happy that the plans I laid out have materialised. The answers I once assumed now factual, the regrets I once had now indeed worth the time though not the pain.

I once thought trust was something gained and lost. I now know it is exactly so, yet only added to the entity which is time. Time can bend all that is, all that were, and all that is to come. And it has twisted me into a villain in many eyes. I have none but two words: Thank you.

Am I spiralling down again? Am I gonna cry out loud at injustice? Am I gonna complain?

No. Because I know what I know. For once, I can utter those same words which were spoken to me once before not too long ago, and this time, I have the determination by my side to stay as I am. Why? Because for once, staying shut long enough has given me a chance to see not everything is as it is. Neutrality? It never existed. Only a fool will notice.

But hey, come now. I'm not gonna let my weekend be bundled up into a ball of fury. I'm just gonna shake off the dust from my shoes and walk as I am. I couldn't care less anymore. Thank goodness.

Call me stubborn, call me shrewd.

Call me anything as if I'm screwed.

But when the cards unfold and the dealer winks a smile, I'll walk away free down the mile.

Au revoir

3.22PM

I Can

2010-08-07T02:00:00.002+08:00

All you need is a lil' bit of the smallest of things for life to go on.

Rose petals tell a story of the unending.

A heart of faith, a thought of hope, and some love in between.

Time, help me on my journey.

Au revoir.

2.00AM

Change Is Inevitable

2010-08-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

Nothing stays the same.

Flowers wilt, and its beauty? Gone with the wind.

I'll be over you. And everything. I'll make sure of it.

My vow to put up walls to preserve my new start, and to keep all distractions away.

Carpei diem.

Au revoir.

11.50PM

Get Out, So I Can Disappear

2010-08-04T23:45:00.001+08:00

When the chips are down, deceit is in the air, and life has proven unfair, all I can do is disappear.

The man who has done all he can, can only now retire from all with regret.

Thoughts don't count anymore. They never did.

Au revoir.

11.45PM

Unlikely Source, But True

2010-08-04T18:15:00.003+08:00

A marvelous quote from a most unlikely source. I guess its something I should have learned a long time ago, though emotions have subsided for many days already.

I’m not going to spend my life chasing people. You wanna leave? Fine then, go ahead. ‘Cause I’m done with chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learned love is hard and life is strange.

Au revoir.
6.15PM

All Time Low

2010-08-04T00:49:00.001+08:00

When you're down in loads of crap, sometimes a song to relate to is what you need.

Praying won't do it
Hating won't do it
Drinking won't do it
Fighting won't knock you out
Of my head

Hiding won't hide it
Smiling won't hide it
Like I ain't tried it
Everyone's tried it now
And failed somehow

So when you gonna let me
When you gonna let me out - Out

And if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
Seems like peace is
The only thing I'll never know
How do you get up
Get up

'Cos driving won't do it
Flying won't do it
Denying won't do it
Crying won't drown it out
What you said

When I'm standing on the yellow line
Waiting at the station
Or I'm late for work
A vital presentation
If you call me now girl
Without reservation
I would try to break through

But if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
It seems like peace is
The only thing I never know
How do you get up from an all time low
I can't even find a place to start
How do I choose between my head and heart
Till it ceases I never know
How do you get up from an all time low

A low
Can you hear me
A low

Can't you hear me

Let go, Aaron. It is not worth your anger, frustration, and disappointment, nor any pity or mercy for that matter.

Au revoir

12.49AM

Enticing The Fire

2010-08-03T18:36:00.002+08:00

I am lucky I am not as gullible as I was anymore, to feel as if all can be back to the norm. It is not because I never wanted it to be so, but because I know there is always a back door to everything, and I am one to some.

Don't take me for a fool who will smile and try to be nice. Because I am no longer as soft as that. I know ulterior motives when I see it. Assumptions again? More like senses telling me, or warning me perhaps, of the possibilities and probabilities. I shall not ignore the facts, nor the instances in the past which can affect the near future. My actions are thought of in advance this time. Why share it here? Because I would implode on myself in anger if I didn't. Just my way of cooling off.

I'll play along...for now. Be myself. Be sensible. Be normal.

But I won't be used. Not anymore.

Au revoir

6.36PM

A Landmark, Its All Lies

2010-08-02T23:50:00.003+08:00

My 200th blogpost, what joy. But no joy in the topic today, though. First day of AUP? Moderate.

Moving on.

Lies. All lies. Deceit. What do we make of them? Forgive and forget, they always say. But once is mostly the boundary for such mercy. Twice? Testing luck. Don't even let me get started beyond that. The fact is, a lie in my honest view is the most dastardly wrong action any one person can do. If it wasn't for the overall view of life as an entity which can not stand without the negativity of dishonesty, I would have erupted in anger and frustration.

Imagine watching everything infront of you unfold as a lie.

They are easily told. Even more easily expressed. Yet when the liar has been found out, especially by the one who was lied to, all respect is lost. You lied. When all you had to do was say the truth and I would have disappeared, forever.

The deadliest of all of humanity's traits.

Truth? What truth? Indeed, we all want the truth in most of our daily events. Nothing comes close to toppling honesty in any happening no matter day or night. Yet, behind many truths lie even more lies, no pun intended. Is it such a difficulty to express true thoughts when all things are in our hands? Do we not have free will to speak our mind and let others know the real facts instead of cowering behind a face with a smile so insincere, it becomes a sin.

It takes a closer look for the 'real' truth to unfold.

In the end, do we have to come to conclusions where we trust nothing but the lies and carry on with life? Do we give up our hope in all that is good in favour of all that is just "pleasing"? I'm sorry, I am not such a person, not anymore perhaps. I shall not keep my mouth and thoughts from seeking the truths and uncovering the lies.

Why am I here right now? What is my purpose? Where is my place in this world?

Give me answers, and I know not the truths, because there are none, not now at least. I shall seek my sunrise.

You can keep lying. You can keep on putting on quiet faces. You can ignore. You can be silent.

I will only grow stronger in conviction. My weakest is when I remember better times. And memory is not my best trait. In time, I shall feel more anger than sadness, more disgust than disappointment.

In time, none of you will want me around. Then again, isn't that already the case? I can't be bothered any longer. The line has been crossed. Goodbye, for good.

Au revoir.

11.50PM

Wishing On A Sunrise

2010-08-02T00:12:00.002+08:00

As a new world opens up, I wish on the Star for a new beginning. One which I shall find my place in. One which cures the hurt and stops the metaphorical blood from spilling any longer.

Mystical

I hope for a new beginning. My faith in myself is all I have. The love of all things of wonder my only passion.

God, please answer this one prayer. For life to go on, and You being my guide. Be my guide through sunsets, and be the One who gives me sunrises.

Au revoir.

12.12AM

When Somehow Feelings Stay

2010-08-01T04:18:00.000+08:00

The circle of life is eternal. Only difference is, mine has been blown off course. One a path that has been besieged by emotional trauma caused from the inner soul. And all this, for a silly little comprehension which I had previously enjoyed much of.

A friend shall always stay a friend, no matter what. I hope to be able to say and mean the same a long time from now, though.


You know what? I'll go in first, and if I get shot in the ass, you can have my	Ferrari.

When problems arise, we strive to deal with them, as pals and comrades. Yet obstacles pile up high, causing much pain and suffering only he feels, not the ever-present companion. One's own self begins to think of which ones to deal with first, and how best to do so. Knowing each step is a minefield, he trots on. As each problem is dealt with, more pop up, shouting out to be eradicated, cynically, of course. As more and more are taken a shot at, even more turn out to be causing further wrongs.

When troubles cry out, one has only so much time to act...with risks.

I sometimes wonder, how long does it take for predicaments to end its drama. Effort and time are only so much one can do to TRY without a sense of positive probability to make amends. Provided he is given the chance. Provided he takes the chance head-on. Provided he is one of virtue,

When all else seems down, we try and estimate our future.

Life in all its splendour, has its flaws. How do we deal with them? How do we not make an effort to quash the uprising from within? We strive for perfection although it is unobtainable. All we have is hope, faith, and love. The Trinity. And I pray for a bright future away from worries and etcetera.

Sunrise. Beauty.

All I can say is, I await for my Sunrise. One last event which holds me in hope. I shall wait, till the end of time.

Au revoir.

4.18AM

Forgive Yet Unforgiven?

2010-07-31T02:29:00.001+08:00

Forgiveness vary in meaning. It is a perception of the mind, on an event which redeems one's trust from his or her community after a mistake. I seek forgiveness in simplicity, when I have committed a wrong and I myself have noticed its severity. But how does it work, this ever-changing factor of daily lives?

Do we seek forgiveness from the One above?

Negatives lead to positives.

Do we plead with all our hearts as we face obstacles day by day, trying to learn as we go?

Growing up is a journey

Do we in turn think of it as an entity that is self-reflective, not as bare as just a simple emotion to seek and not express?

Uncovering the myth of its purpose

Or lastly, do we see humour?

Even at war, motivation and jokes go hand in hand.

It is up to perception once again. It is only a sad event when forgiveness is not returned in the same way. It hurts to be not able to treat fairly and be treated as such. Time, heal me the best you can.

It is always a sweet experience, feeling as if you can be yourself among your friends once again, especially after an unfortunately hurtful experience. Many factors contribute to such a smooth day, including some which are not as positive as the effect. Yet it is better than lying low a loner. Indeed way better.

A dear friend fears death, like we all do, yet he might have a more concrete reason to do so. Take care, Awesome One. Recovery is a journey, and I do hope you get back from it soon. I can't always fill in your shoes to be with them, although I loved to do so.

Lies can be forgiven, but now I wonder will I do just that, considering the fact it did hurt so badly. Only time will tell.

Looking forward to AUP, but also to the reconstruction of my life among my peers and friends.

Au revoir.

2.29AM

Of Deceit And Envy, When Being Honest Is Disaster

2010-07-30T01:59:00.004+08:00

When all is said and done, I had hoped I could move on. I was wrong.

We struggle to break free from thoughts that have confined us. No matter what we say, we still feel what we experience. We try not to. No matter how dark the road may seem, we honestly and earnestly commit ourselves to give our best to do away with the thoughts which perish our hopes.

Yet somehow, we fall again. We fall when we see the ones we were once close to, now becoming strangers. It is no longer a matter of thought nor perception, it is a matter of relaying the emotion. No longer can assumptions be blamed when live in itself, no one cares. No one does.

To think, I thought you were someone unlike any other. Someone different, special in your own way.

Today, I realise how wrong I had been. I can stand all pain, except the hurt of deceit. Of being lied to. As a dear friend put it simply, "Being lied to by someone whom you care for so deeply for". Tell me I am or was wrong. Tell me I am only assuming. Because for once, I even have the proof of it. It doesn't matter that you reversed your decision later on. What matters is the instance that has happened at that one moment.

And yet I care.

And yet, I still have not learnt my lesson. Why, I plead to the heavens, that I still forgive when no one does the same in return. The heart aches ever so badly in times of trial, even more so when it is misunderstood. But still, I trot back into the realm of hurt.

In relation to that, although a totally different "you" in this pretext, I know you are happy now. All seems well. Indeed I am glad a comrade like you have found your calling. There is no place for modesty in this world, yet I respect your take on the issue anyhow. Do remember the times we shared together. I shall.

As I decipher my mind, I find nothing but the sickening feeling of disappointment.

Take this life away from me, I do not deserve it. Assumptions, facts, beliefs, and knowledge, whether a priori and a posteriori or both, it matters not. For it has dawned on me that all I need is to be myself, though I shall suffer doing so. Yet I ponder.....

What happened to honesty being the best policy?

Should I be like the lot, and abandon such values I've kept all my life?

What good is it for me to be the only one who actually feels the need to know the truth, when all else is covered in lies?

I lambast all who say I have thrown emotions into such predicaments. Logic itself has enough to support my stance. I am no longer needed, and with a sad heart I shall leave. I want to seek a place where I will be cherished just as how I cherished others by my side. I miss that feeling of being wanted and wanting others to be right next to you in good times and in bad. I miss being me. I miss life.

As I draw this post to a close, I shall make a vow. One in which I promise to never lay a single direct thought of this past ever again on this sacred space. In rhymes and riddles, maybe, as I shall return when my mind has cleared. If it ever does.

Au revoir.

1.59AM

A New Beginning, To Midnight

2010-07-29T18:37:00.005+08:00

Well as you can see, I've really outdone myself this time by almost completely changing the entire layout of Sunsets. It isn't even "Sunsets" anymore, having now a longer title with an even more longer meaning behind it for those intuitive enough to decipher.

Just my way of starting all over again. As in, life itself and all its components. I figure one change will lead to another, so why not just keep the changes coming and the momentum going. The past week or so, has been a whirlwind one. The worst to some extent. I have never known myself to be in such a predicament.

Well, it was my doing after all. But lets not get into all that. Past is past, in our three-dimensional world it can not be altered any longer. Things will never be the same again, I have to admit and agree, but again, its the working of the past. Shall not delve any deeper unless of course, you have a time machine and willing to borrow it to me.

As I ponder the present and future while still considering the past, along the hard road I have come to find philosophies which suit me to a great mile.

Healing does not exist. Why so? To be healed is to be cured completely, yet what then are scars? Scars forever exist, whether physically, mentally or emotionally. None can ever disappear, and they serve as reminders to the occurrence of that very event. In a way, its bittersweet: reminder to heart-wrenching events which may bring you to tears, or lessons to be learnt so as to not be repeated.

Emotions are not knowledge. Knowledge is defined as true, justified belief. To be true, and justified, is to be always constant, thus preserving its fact and evidence as is. Yet our emotions are ever changing, never to be defined as one particular definition at any one particular time. Hence, we can never say we know what our emotions are. Not knowing our emotions increases the tendency of emotion-fuelled actions to be inconsistent and sometimes even fatal to life. As I have experienced, very unfortunately.

Time has no relativity to words or actions. Saying "now" at any one point of time has no further bearing as once it has been said, the moment of "now" has passed and gone. Once it has passed, it remains a past event which no further effect can alter it. At any one instance, a particular event has to be given its definition to the exact point of time in order for it to be considered an "event", or else it is just a lost moment in time with no meaning to it.

Understandably, I am one confusing person with a persona so complicated that even I continue to search my thoughts. A wild thinker, a daydreamer especially of the night.

Au revoir.

6.37PM

A Dream World

2010-07-28T10:08:00.000+08:00

Troubling times should be a past, yet memory serves as both a painful reminder as well as the occasional lesson to learn from.

I can't deny I still feel some sort of resentment and failure in not being able to handle all that has come my way.
I can't deny I still care...for you, especially, eventhough it was always at a distance where no one knew.
I can't deny I did not try my hardest, because I knew if I did things would have collapsed; although in the end they eventually did.
I can't deny I still think of you sometimes, even if I try not to.
I can't deny I feel the same spine-tingling feeling whenever you walk by.
I can't deny I have thought of things too deeply; that is how I am.
I can't deny I miss you, and the times where were we just friends and all was well.
I can't deny I am at fault, for every wrong that has brought me to this very spot.
I can't deny.
Not anymore.

This is my dream world. One which I try to seek and seek to understand. When someone with an aura as yours ventures in my mind and heart, my dream world collapses and all shall revolve around you. Knowing that I couldn't turn that dream into something more real, the world collapses day by day, to the point where it is all rubble. Like right now.

I know you don't feel the same. And this is not an assumption. But to move on, I had to let you out of my mind. Let you out of my heart. Let you go. Eventhough I never did have you in grasps.

In the quiet of the morning, I awake with an empty heart and mind, because I had tried the night before to let everything slip away. But somehow, I can't. Things are never as simple as they seem to be.

I shall take it as a lesson in learning, a stumbling block, a journey.
But I still do care. I never stopped doing so, although my actions might seem otherwise.

Am I too emo? Well, that's something I can't deny either.
Au revoir.
10.08AM

A Burden Lifted

2010-07-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

Life is never meant for burdens. Life is never meant for pain. Life is never meant for suffering.

And yet they happen. Whether internally or externally, sources of sorrow are around. After years of life, albeit even in a short one, none can say of having had to live with the absence of those feelings. Yet sensitivity plays a part: sensitive person, larger effect. Opposite for one which has less sentiments.

I fall in the former. I am sensitive, both in thought and actions. Its been both my greatest strength and my Achilles' heel. Strength in being able to realise what goes on in my mind and heart, weakness in not being able to portray a brighter personality to the ones around me.

I apologize for assumptions, emotion-fuelled thoughts, and most of all, faking a smile, albeit the last issue rarely has a negative impression and sometimes even the opposite in the cases of being able to overlook the pessimism to preserve harmony.

But I am who I am. Fortunately, and unfortunately. I am a thinker. A rational one, unless emotions get the better of me. And my new-found cure? Philosophy. The ability to ask questions which will bring forward further understanding. I shall cling to it till I have understood all I need to embark on my own philosophical journey. I want to understand beyond the realm of emotion and logic. There is something in between, that I seem to realise to exist only in times of hardships and hurt. An alternate world, a dream world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To three of my friends, ever so dear:
All I have said, I meant every word. I say I'm sorry for my wrongs, but I do feel as if I had been the victim of wrongs as well. Yet all are just what I feel. I shall let it pass. Nothing will be the same again, I admit, but I hope it could get close to that point when we all laughed and had the most fun I've ever had in years.
I may sound pathetic now, but I mean all I say with heart and mind. I do hope you understand me. All I have left is hope.

Thank you, for letting me speak my mind and not leave with a guilty conscious. Impressions on me, I do not control. But I sure hope I am understood. I am relieved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For now, onwards to recovery. Goodbye sorrow, I shall learn from you.
Tomorrow I start life anew. Today is my lesson. Yesterday was my worries.

Au revoir.
10.46PM

A Thought

2010-07-26T23:08:00.001+08:00

Overreaction kills. Literally. Admittingly, I did so. But not without reason. And within reason is where my mind lies.

Somehow, a good book or two has managed to open my eyes, along with the help of a few friends as well. Emotions amplify situations, and without a doubt it occurred in my exact case.

Now all I ask, is for a chance to explain. Will I be given the opportunity? It remains to be seen. No matter how much I may be looked down upon from now on, this is the lowest I could go, and thus, I care not of the never-ending pain that constantly resurface.

But what I see, isn't always the right or the wrong. It is just the balance that I contemplate. In the eyes of many, I am a pessimist and one who assumes on issues more than anything. I do admit doing so, actually. In fact, I even know my shortcomings. But that is what makes me, me. None can right a wrong if it has past.

All I wanna do I right a wrong of a future. Give me that chance.

I'm sorry, to everyone. It is because I know my mistakes, I say this. Somehow, I seek the same response from elsewhere, yet I know it is a far fetched reality. Only hope remains.

This week I shall be a phoenix.

Au revoir.
11.08PM

Watch Me Burn

2010-07-26T00:40:00.000+08:00

I've got a week to pull myself together and back on track. Seven days to jumpstart life back into its vein of form. And I'm gonna give it my best shot. I want my life back.

I've been here before. Falling into spirals. Every time, I see no way out. Yet I climb out eventually. This time is no different. I will rise again.

Confrontation. In peace, I do hope I avoid them. But in retrospect and in signification, I wouldn't mind. I want to let those who seek for answers know the honest truth. I am not deterred by revealing facts. Somehow, the part of me that cares in keeping some things hidden is no longer the pivotal member of my thoughts. The time has passed, right now I feel the need to expose all that I foresee.

The worst fact?
To know you're the only one feeling down.
The only one who cared and felt the backlash of none returning the favour.
To know that even your best friend knows more in neutrality.
To know you are not wanted.
To know no one gives a damn.

But guess what? These may get me down, but they can't leave me down. I have a life to prove worth living, and I shall. The passion burns in me. And when it does, it never stops. Yes, I do feel the emotion of envy, jealousy, and to some extent, revengeful, but nevertheless, that will never be me. For I am none of the negatives, as I see optimism even within pessimism.

Its time to rewrite the opening chapters of college life. Indeed, I have overreacted to some extent. Yet I have done so in line with my values of staying true to heart. Indeed, I have brought this all upon myself. Yet I have regrets only of not realizing it sooner, to soothe the mind.

Pain is an entity we have to get used to. Otherwise, we will all be open to the assault of life's grievances. And in truth, they hurt more than physical pain itself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my dear friend,
No matter how much I fall, and my thoughts continue to damn myself to the lowliness of life, you have a job to do. A stance I will not drop. In all honesty and fact, you replaced me. But you are someone better suited for the role. Someone who could be there and not feel the need to try. Naturally capable. I envy you, I despise how their eyes twinkle for you, yet I do not and can not hate you. You are a dear friend, one which I will never be able to replicate. Staying neutral is what you do, but even you yourself know where you lean towards. There is a need over there, and you must fill it. Do not matter what they say of me, I am long gone. Do not matter even in reality I am spoken terribly of, because I admit the wrongs I have caused. Do not matter. I have left with a heaviness never before felt. Because I do care, even now. But there is no place for it to stay alive.

Emotions cloud my judgement, yes, but emotion drives my passion, and in my passion I am strongest. I got myself here, I shall get myself out. You need not dedicate time and effort, to salvage what is left of me. I will still be around, I am not on a deathbed. And I know you will flourish evermore with me absent. Regardless, the damage has been done.

They will not miss me. Fact, from a reluctant heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Tis the time to start anew. From now on, I shan't be so foolish ever again.
Au revoir.
12.40AM

Words From A Week Of Wails

2010-07-25T02:49:00.000+08:00

The mind and heart never agrees on the same thing unless both love and logic somehow means the same thing.

Keeping in touch is easy. It's keeping in touch with those whom you never got to express your feelings to, that's hard.

Fake a smile,
When you're down,
Take the mile,
Never frown.

You have love songs in your mind,
And you sing it day by day,
But all you ever sing for,
Is to remind yourself of her.

Treat me like anyone else,
I shall be glad,
Ignore me day and night,
I shall be sad.

No matter how young or old we can be, no matter the duration in which we feel the emotion, be it a crush, puppy love or the greatest affection, we still feel the heartache. Especially when the one on the other side doesn't even give a damn.
Hope. I cling to that word so dearly.

Au revoir.
2.49AM

Finally A Song

2010-07-24T14:33:00.000+08:00

Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can't find

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before

And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know
if I let you go?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
It's such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know
if I let you go ?

But well, here I am. And I guess I should let you go anyhow. Because being the only one who worries is never a heart-warming fact to realise. I will remember how you captivated me in a way I never experienced before. And next time, I won't give up so easily.

Special thanks to Kak for the song, it would have never crossed my mind.

Au revoir.
2.33PM

When Emotions Overflow

2010-07-24T02:27:00.000+08:00

You like her for quite awhile, but the intensity grew within the past week or so.
You try to get close to her.
She just never bothers.
She ignores you.
She doesn't even want to share a laugh with you like how she does with everyone else.
And yet you forgive her somehow, still trying hard.
It's like in her eyes, you are not important.
But in your eyes, she is the whole world.

You feel so down each day, but when you think of her smile you suddenly feel like nothing else matters.
But in the end, you hear that she thinks negatively of you
You still don't care, because you do not believe sources like that.
Yet in your heart you know that it is the truth.

The last straw is when you confront her and tell her.
And she doesn't even take it seriously at first
The first thing she asks, is that is it all a prank.
A prank...A PRANK.
When you tell her the words from your heart, she doesn't even feel as if she needs to communicate.

Ignored, rejected, and not cared for.

Someone can only forgive so much....

Au revoir
2.27AM

Nonchalant. Time To Grow Up

2010-07-23T23:13:00.000+08:00

It has dawned on me, that no longer will I fight for a righteous place among my peers when they themselves do not care. Yes, they do not care.

Time to find a new place in life. One which I could feel wanted for a change.

Goodbye MAS1. No turning back. I leave with terrible memories of a pathetic self which cared so much for a lost cause. Yes, I cared. And now, all you can do is carry on being yourself.

Maybe I should too. Fake a smile.

I do not care if you do not return the feelings. It is expected. Yet I feel pathetic that I cared ever so deeply and you didn't try, even on the boundaries of being friends. Tell me I'm wrong, prove to me I'm wrong. I know I'm not.

I want my life back.

Au revoir.
11.13PM

Wondering. 10 Days.

2010-07-23T03:13:00.000+08:00

Darkness clouds me at such a late period of time. Yet I feel relieved to lay off some hidden words which I have been needing to say. Not positive in any way, just relieved.

10 days, 10 days to decide who and what I will become.

So its all negative, from what I hear. I am distraught, but not defeated. I want to hear it from you. The cold words from you alone. Break me now, so I can recover, and move on. And I'm gonna deliver that chance to do so to you on a silver platter.

Or maybe I wont. Maybe I will make you look at me in a way you never did.

Either way, its a hard long road which I will take.

Ignoring me makes me stronger as each time one does so, I shall cry to the world and rebuilt my stone wall.
Saying what one thinks I am ignites fervour in me, till my strength thrusts me up whenever I fall.

Now is not the time. I shall let it be, do what I can. In 10 days, I will know where I stand.
Because in 10 days, I shall have a restart to life. One which I don't intend to screw up again.

I will remember you, no matter the way you look at me.
Au revoir
3.13AM

I Will Remember You

2010-07-20T23:58:00.002+08:00

A soothing breeze blows so gently.

Thou art the brightest,
Of stars at night,
Malevolent grace,
Such wonder a sight.

When nightingales cry,
I bid a solemn goodbye,
To all whom I see,
As we sigh ever so free.

Those words, they cut so deep,
I fear, fear of a tired sleep,
Where none awake me,
Till you, you forsake land and sea.

Life is short enough to make you regret in a day,
Long enough to make you forget what you do or say,
and unique enough to make you feel emotions in every way.

If only you knew.
No matter how hard I try I just can't say goodbye.

Au revoir
11.58PM

A New Sunrise Beckons

2010-07-20T00:35:00.000+08:00

Yes, a sunrise. Shall it rise to a pinnacle of noon, or be blocked out by the rain and storm, still remains to be seen in the not-so distant future. But for once, a decision has been made. A task has been instigated, a deed has been done.

AUP, here I come.

I shall stick to my guns and pursue my dreams. No matter the trials and obstacles, this is my choice now, and no excuses shall ever hold weight. My life has taken off.

Less expectation is always a more safer bet when in doubt, yet all I feel now is a chance to prove my own self wrong - that I CAN accomplish something. Passion is my greatest ally. I must ignite the flame in me like I have always done for all things I love to do. Keeping it going strong shall be a challenge, but its time I stood my ground and really push myself.

A new beginning is at hand. Its only time I kick up my sheets and get a move on. The next few weeks will be crucial. I want a good start, for sure.

A journey has its own individuals worth their mention. Mum and Dad, thank you for trusting me. Letting me choose and decide my future is the most worthy gift I could receive. Godpa, for the trust and faith as well as listening to my lumbering crap-load of talk, deepest thanks.

All beginnings has an end. I shall end my stay in my current course, dearest MAS1. Great memories will be missed, as well as some special thoughts only I fully understand. I know I will not be sorely missed, as such I hope none of you do anyhow - concentrating on your goals is more important than realising a lost as minuscule as me. Goodbye, I bid.

The heart and mind have spoken. A brand new beginning has been decided.
Au revoir.
12.35AM

Unknown Sunshine

2010-07-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

You are the sunshine of my life,
Everything you do I'll be alright,
My love for you, will never die,
As long as you'll be right there by my side.

No, not an ordinary poem. For once, its a song. One which I just cooked up out of nowhere. The melody is saved in my head (and my iPhone), but one day, maybe, just maybe, it shall be known to others as well.

She will never realise. Final thoughts of the day.

Au revoir.
11.50PM

Hero To Zero

2010-07-17T02:01:00.000+08:00

In one week, I have gone from the pinnacle of my life to such lowly statures I can hardly believe where I am.

Complications. They arise out of nothing.

Dare I dream for a better future? Yes, I shall.

Au revoir.
2.01AM

Dreams Do Come True.

2010-07-11T02:40:00.001+08:00

Pictures speak louder than words.

Lost for words, lost for thought. Just a smile, and a huge thank you.

Dreams do come true...when you dream enough. :')

Au revoir.
2.40AM

Is Change Worth The Effort?

2010-07-03T13:26:00.000+08:00

Huge thanks to dear Larissa for always being there with words to enlighten me. They never fail to show me a path. :')

Change. For the better, or worst? For yourself, or for others? For fake smiles and playful laughs, or true frowns and deep sighs?

I don't know anymore.

I rather some offer came my way and picked me up, bringing me to a whole new place. Where I can live life fresh again, but knowingly the same dilemma will occur, and then wish again a whole new life to happen. A cycle. A very dramatic and emotion-consuming cycle. Kill me already.

I fear not of failure. I fear not of losing hope. I only fear the emptiness that is at the end of my tunnel.

While all 24 smile with joy, 1 sighs so deeply. Regrets are abundant, so are mistakes. But most saddening of all, knowing that you have no place anymore.

They gave me a smile for months. Now its all gone. Because I made it so. Selfish me.

Should I stay or should I go?
Confront the obvious or let it flow?

Time, heal me.
Au revoir
1.26PM

Its Time To Fade Away

2010-07-03T01:10:00.001+08:00

Well, here I am. Back from my class trip to Genting. How did I fare? Saying an energetic and spirited "It was awesome!" like what I showed on social sites and chats would be a lie. Yes, a lie. A holiday to remember yet one which opened my eyes to the partial truth.

Bittersweet. Pretty much all I have to say, though explaining even a word of such simplicity has its massive elaborations, and with it, consequences. I dare say I was having so much fun at first, more than I had expected, only to throw it all away for the sake of personal agenda.

Theme park, bowling, arcade, bla bla bla. The typical events as usual of a trip to Genting, now no longer a surprising feat to muster.

The highlands have always had this soul-searching entity that I explored. Unfortunately, the site where I did seek solitude once before had been desecrated, and indeed I did journey in search for another such place to find refuge in. The initial trail led me nowhere, though words did flow from my mind and I did pen a few to preserve the path in words. By this moment my head told the heart to follow the instincts regardless of the impact to anyone else. I heeded the warning signs of resentment, yet I persevered. In the following outing, I found a new scene, together with the entourage, but I peeled off to seek what I was intending to find - words.

After a hard day out, with which I found the words and phrases I had been looking for, I retired to the comfort of bed while everyone else had the fun of a grand laughing session. I did not mind at the time. The barrier of language was far too deep for me to feel the guilt of continuously pursuing it. I resented such an action, but convincingly I realise it was proper.

Ignorance and arrogance. My core attributes. Admittedly, I know what I am. Yet the question is, do I change for the betterment of others, or for myself? The ironic thing here is that when I am as such, I feel the same vibes from others while I intend to recuperate from it. As much as I feel the want and need to be more open, it is also a negative impression that I am not my own persona any longer.

Regardless, time is up. The change I pursue takes its roots now, and I shall not look back. I will break many trusts, but mostly my own.

I have no words of beauty to share today, as they are all in a journal that I wish to keep from now on during my travels. When I do have words worthy to be opened to the world, they will appear.

Hear from me soon, as always.
Au revoir
1.10AM

Regular Curtain Call

2010-06-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

When you look around and realise you can't understand a thing, its best to just walk away and never look back.

Sums up my last few days, I reckon.

Anyhow, will be off to Genting in around 6 hours time. Still yet to pack, though that's not the least of my worries. I sure hope I have a good time, have been looking forward to such a trip for such a long time. My hope is alive although chances are things will be very much according to the stance of the last few days. Well, all is said and done. At least, with the possibility of things to happen in mind, I do have something else to do albeit by my own self.

Regardless, I hope I enjoy my trip.

Before I go, here is something I worked on yesterday, unsure on how it sounds but still its here, for all to see. Enjoy:

Sunset Yesteryears

Time. He most definitely had it, but whether or not such a possession was used to the fullest remains to be seen. As young as he may be, though, Aerin had the vision of one way beyond his age. Childish and dramatic occasionally to say the least, he grew a thoughtful life. Yet no ordinary day can go without the eternal emotions of man: joy, sadness, pain, anger, frustration, contentment. He dreamt of a life without the ever-present resentment, a life where he could tame the beasts of sorrow once and for all. A daydreamer, a night watcher, ever aware. Alas, the day Aerin awoke from his slumber was the day he fell into a nightmare he knew he would not awake from. One which has him consumed into for eons, regardless of time itself. An entity not of the day or night, but one of the mind and heart.

Home. At least, it was so, not too long ago. It has been months since the divide had occurred, and to Aerin’s memory no other event had such an impact. He wished the unthinkable, which was to stay in anger long after it subsides. The price he paid was that of a home that no longer is, to his feelings. Aerin arose from his bed, where he had laid in sleep for almost half the day. Stretching and letting off a loud yawn with noise to rival that of an alarm clock, he looked about the room with a blank mind, gathering his thoughts.

Simple, yet enough, he believed, reminiscing the times he had complained of the lack of space for his belongings while living in the previous house. Aerin’s room was no different than most his age: messy, unorganised, yet completely decent in his own eyes. Regardless of any scolding he might receive for his untidiness, Aerin no longer felt the need to obey. A young lad can only stand so much, he thought. So it was time he lay down the cards on his stand.

Apart from the usual grogginess of the morning, good vibes had filled Aerin to the core. He harboured a feeling hope for a bright day ahead. An entity he had always kept close to heart, hope was much of what he had left of most of his

And it stopped at that point.
Au revoir
11.46PM

By Your Side

2010-06-28T04:07:00.000+08:00

Here's to everything coming down to nothing. :)

The line above is the only thing which came from a few hours ago, which is actually yesterday in hour terms. The title, the entire post and everything else comes at this moment in time, when
the urge to pour more words into this bowl overcame the resistance of faking a smile.

How radiant your eyes glimmer,
Yet time for them to rest,
A thousand hearts all simmer,
Awaiting your wake a glancing test.

Something I cooked up awhile ago, on messenger wouldn't you believe it.

I have had a day of bad moods and tantrums on the inner soul. It is just me, I admit that. But times when you do feel left out, in turn make you think that everything is against you. Even life itself, sometimes. You look around and see no way to put your thoughts through, and so you hide them, covering them with layer upon layer of fake emotions and deceit on purpose.

It never is good to lie. Either way, the truth prevails, even in the most extreme circumstances. And the truth in my eyes right now is the same desperation I've had for ever so long, pleading to break free and let the world know. But no, I say. Denying the inner depths to speak is as if containing a raging inferno in a cage, letting it burn a patch to save the entire pasture. I am that patch, ever weak and with an ever burning flame on it.

If only, you, or they, in the case of formers; knew how much you mean to me, in those situations. To fit in would be a lie, and thus I turn to you for solitude, which you never gave. I cry a loner's howl each time, yet a steadfast heart and mind remains as it is. Never will I break down in failure, rather, I pursue with regrets as lessons: lessons which are embedded in the flesh so deep.

I wish I was born into an atmosphere without the need to try, in vain, to fit in. I cherish the uniqueness, yet feeling a lost like this, for years and years to come, likens me to a flower blooming only to be picked: a bittersweet journey indeed.

Au revoir
4.07PM

Petty Things

2010-06-23T17:12:00.000+08:00

My previous post was...irregular, by my standards. A one-off. Just a disclaimer.

I went on my day with a difference in my mind: stay natural. It was worth a shot to be out and about from the usual days. And so, I baked.

Yes, you heard right. I am at Granny's, and just about an hour ago we were baking some sort of shortbread/cake thingy which I saw on TV yesterday. Turned out pretty well, for an amateur. A picture of the desert will be up soon.

I realized something a little more severe which I have ignored: I have an audition in two days, and full health is still a long way to go. Hoping I heal in time is one thing; getting some much needed practice is another. I feel old, and rusty. No, not in the "emo" mode, I leave that behind for when sunset comes. Unpreparedness is more appropriate.

It might be the semester break, but I reckon from my past few updates on this here blog many will think I am spiraling, so to speak. Allegations denied, comprehensively. Life has been smooth. Days are fine. The nights are calm with a dash of music's chime. Yes, it is a life to savor.

But then why such a sorrow in posts, you might ask.

Notice not the title of the posts, but the TIME.

The hour.

It is during these twilight hours I sense the closing in of the walls around me, whispering the words, or perhaps the lack of it; in which one might find solitude. There is no calm in me when urgency is preferred in such quiet time of day. It drives me. It seeks a place to be spoken, and here they have their say. Words flow as if the dam has been breached. And they flow smoothly.

Enlightening, very much indeed, these words I keep reminiscing. It pleases me when I do know there are those out there beyond the doors of my home which spend even a jiffy of their time with whatever that is conjured here. A smile beckons me, each day. Thank you.

Au revoir
5.12PM

Sunsets To Midnight

When The Night Chills You

7 Months of Love

Happy New Year 2012.

Merry Christmas Darling...

A Journey Just Beginning, Reaching A Limelight

Weird...

5 And The Journey Goes On

4, And Many More

19

The Times Of Trial

Two, And Many More To Come.

Reminders Of The Smile

A Month On

A New Horizon

Unspoken Thoughts

Good Morning Sunshine

A Month On

I'll Try...Like I Never Tried Before

The Journey Begins

The Day, The Night

And We Journey On...

A Week

Sunrise

Where Have You Been All My Life?

Emotions

I'm A Butterheart, Easily Wonderstruck.

Belief, Strength, Brokenness.

It Has Ended.

Wonderstruck - Happy Birthday

Opening Eyes To See The Invisible - A Pre-Written Post

Colours. For Her And Only Her.

I'll Sing For You Any Day

Shattered

Goodnight March, I Fear The April Morning

Questions. Someone Wake Me Up

Doubts And Dreams

When East Meets West, And Nothing Else Matters

The Light

Days To Remember

Go The Distance?

Valentine's

When Smiles Fill The Day

The Night Sky Lit Like The Morning

Confusion. Of Smiles Or Frowns. And The Burnout That Lingers

No Other

When Past Meets Present, When It Doesn't Matter Anymore

The Late-Winter Breeze

February

Not The 31 Days One Would Hope For

Why.

Holding Back

The Fear

Weakness

The Smile

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. Happy New Year.

'Tis The Season. Merry Christmas.

If Only

From Where We Left Off

At The Crossroads To Dead Ends

Words Louder Than Action

Don't Turn Away

Thinking Never Solved Anything

It Feels Like July All Over Again.

2 Months

18

Paradox

The Final Sunset

Aftershock

A Retarded Perception, Shall I Laugh?

I Can

Change Is Inevitable

Get Out, So I Can Disappear

Unlikely Source, But True

I’m not going to spend my life chasing people. You wanna leave? Fine then, go ahead. ‘Cause I’m done with chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learned love is hard and life is strange.Au revoir.6.15PM

All Time Low

Enticing The Fire

A Landmark, Its All Lies

Wishing On A Sunrise

When Somehow Feelings Stay

I’m not going to spend my life chasing people. You wanna leave? Fine then, go ahead. ‘Cause I’m done with chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learned love is hard and life is strange.

Au revoir.
6.15PM